Taking stock (8 months into leaving...)

8 months... It actually seems like a lot more...

I served notice back in January 2010, then left in October. So I think it is fitting that 18 months later, I should give you an update on how things are going for me.

Let me start with the positive: I feel wonderful, and I wake up in the morning with a smile eager to take on the day. As I keep saying: freedom is priceless!

Now for the tough stuff...

Leaving the business had a serious financial toll and as would be expected when leaving a highly-paid position, the mortgage and monthly bills become a "little" to hefty. The thing is, I come from a very rich family, which made leaving all the more difficult. But once I decided to leave, the "rich" (and family) left me. And so we ended up selling our house and moving to a more affordable location.

I spent 6 months job-hunting to find a job that pays me less than half what my family-business-salary was.

On top of this, the families broke apart and we were no longer part of the "business family".

Fun, eh?

I am not trying to get you down here. Really, I'm not. Keep in mind that I started by saying that I couldn't be happier.

The trick? If you let yourself find it, there is always a silver lining:

• Our new home turned out to be a great step forward in quality of life. We love it for so many reasons.
• Even though I am earning less, I can't wait to get to work in the mornings. Yes – it's amazingly interesting, but more importantly I get to create real relationships with people (without the "I'm the son of the owner" feelings), and I do work that matters.
• On a personal level, I have become a better and more relaxed father and husband.

Like everything in life, leaving was a lesson. A lesson in growing up, in becoming more self-worthy, in being a better father and husband and in finding my own way. I can safely say that I'd do it all over again if I had to.

Remember: stay positive, stay focused and look for the silver lining. It's there.

Buddha left the family business...

He was born prince Siddharta: An only son to king Suddhodana, a demanding father and fearless warrior who fought long and hard to keep his kingdom's borders in check.

The other thing Suddhodana fought hard to do, was keep Siddharta in the "business", isolating him from the real world, forcing him to become a warrior-prince and pushing the crown on to him.

But no matter how hard his father tried, Siddharta's calling was stronger, and eventually he gave up his crown and all possessions to become Gautama the monk.

Free at last to follow his calling, he went on to become Buddha, the enlightened one.

This is the story in a nutshell, a teeny tiny nutshell. But it is interesting to look at from our point of view (us leavers): A prince who had it all, yet felt empty and without purpose. A family generously applying guilt, pushing the kingdom (their own dream) on to him. What does he do? He leaves, and following his inner voice he goes on to do great things.

The only question left to ask is: Are you following your inner voice?

(mis) judging people

When you look at someone (or at a situation) and decide whether he/she/it are good or bad (in basic terms), you are basing your decision on your own personal set of values.

These values have developed in you since childbirth and have been largely effected by your parents, your peers and your own self-developed beliefs. But the key point is that they are yours. Your own.

Sure, we share values like Thou shalt not kill (well, at least most of us do). But the day-to-day values, the ones that decide whether that guy is a 'schmuck' or not, are solely yours. And herein lies the problem.

You see the guy—who you just decided is a schmuck—is working on a whole different set of values: his own. My guess is that they are not identical to yours. So judging him (or her), in most cases, won't get you anywhere good.

Instead of being (mis-)judgmental, try being constructive and positive. Tell yourself a story that fits-in with your value-set, such as: the guy is probably having a really bad day—like I have some times—which is why he is acting that way.

The purpose of this exercise is getting you into a constructive mindset (regardless of the guy's behavior), because in this mindset you are calmer, your fighting instincts have subsided and you are open to opportunity.

In 9 times out of 10, you will find out that the guy isn't really a schmuck, he's just being misjudged.

In Enchantment, Guy Kawasaki talks about accepting others as a way to achieve likability. He sums it up in 4 points:

• People are not binary
• Everyone is better than you at something
• People are more similar than they are different
• People deserve a break

I think these points go a long way past likability, touching on the basics of human interaction: we all want to be loved, resected and appreciated; approaching people this way (with Guy's advice in mind) will open doors you never knew existed.

It's all about keeping the balance

Life is a pedulum: always swinging back and forth. One moment you're up, the next you're down.

If you think of it this way you'll see that just as the pendulum can't defy gravity and only swing up, so can't life be going in one direction. If you're up now, it'll balance out; if your down, it'll also change.

This doesn't mean that we should stop swinging the pendulum. We might as well be dead.

It means that we need to be ready and/or hopeful: if you are having a great run and everything is working out for you, be ready for the reverse swing.
If you're having a tough time—at work, at home, in life—be hopeful! The reverse swing is coming...

If you try and fight this, you'll only get hit harder. The higher you swing the pendulum, the mightier the swing back will be. Call it equilibrium, call it ying & yang, light & dark; call it whatever you want. The balance—whether you like it or not—will always be kept.

Accepting this will lead to a better life. A life where you enjoy the peaks to the fullest knowing they will end soon, and weathering the downs knowing those too shall pass.

If you are "stuck" in a family business because of guilt or someone else's dream then your life is not balanced. You are pushing the pendulum in one direction, and ignoring that inner-voice that is telling you this, will only push it further until one day it will swing back with all its force and might.

Tell yourself this: If the reverse swing is coming anyway, might as well be today that you decide to swing it back.

Hi there!

So, it's been a while...

I'm sorry. I got caught up in my new job and moving house and everything related to, well, post-family-business stuff...

I'm back and I'll update soon with more takes on life.

Finding your next job

It's extremely important that you find a new job and fast. Sitting around the house days, weeks or even months on end is not healthy. I know, I did it for 6 months.

True, I was busy selling my house and moving into a new (cheaper) one. But the effect it had on my confidence and self-worth was not good, and it showed in the interviews. Apparently, interviewers aren't partial to insecure people. (Who would've guessed!?)

You should also keep in mind that progress is made in baby steps. Even if the new job isn't perfect (and it will never be)—but is close enough—you should take it. Get back out there, and into the "real" world outside the confines of the family business. Get back to creating your art. The effect it will have on your being is priceless.

After 6 months at home, I finally signed with a big international company. Though I took a serious cut in pay, I couldn't be happier: I'm joining a great workplace with great people, where I can heal, have fun and self-develop.

Seth Godin

I got hooked on Seth about a year ago. It started with Linchpin, and continued with Unleashing the Ideavirus, Tribes, The Dip. I couldn't get enough of Seth's down-to-earth, eye-level insight.

Seth has written over a dozen international best-selling books, and posts daily on his blog. He writes about business, marketing, leadership and life in general.

For me, Seth has been instrumental in shaping my post-family-business self, helping me visualize, and work towards, the future I want for myself and my family. Here's a post from a few days ago, that just nails it:

Make big plans
...that's the best way to make big things happen.
Write down your plans. Share them with trusted colleagues. Seek out team members and accomplices.
Shun the non-believers. They won't be easily convinced, but they can be ignored.
Is there any doubt that making big plans increases the chances that something great will happen?
Is there any doubt that we need your art and your contribution?
Why then, are you hesitating to make big plans?

If you haven't started on Seth yet, start with The Dip, a "mini" book that will help you get through—well—the dip you're in, then Linchpin that will teach you to be indispensable (and why it's so important nowadays).

...and Seth, if you happen to read this, THANK YOU!

Go gut!

Gut feelings are a force to be reckoned with. If you've read Blink (by Malcolm Gladwell) you know what I'm talking about.

Should you take that job? It may pay less money but something in you is telling you that you should take it;
Buy that house? It may not be the nicest on the block but it feels right;
Take that vacation? Expensive... but something tells you that you (and the family) really need it.

It's a feeling that drives the reaction, rather than a cold analysis of the facts. I've learnt lately that following that feeling pays off. Go on, listen to yourself.

Should I leave?

A lot of you (I am always amazed at how many leavers there are) ask me if they should leave the family business. Though I can't answer the question for you, I do my best to give guiding food-for-thought, mostly from my own experience.

If you are considering leaving the family business you should give the following some thought, weighing up if the price of freedom is something you are willing to pay:

• What will happen to the relationship with your family?
  In my case it completely broke down. Once I told my dad that I decided to leave, everything—and I mean everything—was over. Animosity grew between us, pushing us and our families apart.
  
  
• Do you have a new job?
  By this I mean: do you have a signed work contract with your new employer? I had a promise which was broken and I ended up on the breadline for 4 months till I found a new job. I'm not saying that you should find a job before you leave, but if you decide to leave before you've found something, make sure you plan for it.
  
  
• Consider financial issues that may arise.
  Depending on how it goes with the two points above, you may end up on your own without the financial backing a family business may offer. Make sure your cash flow is planned down to the cent for the next few months, especially if severance pay is not made available to you and there is no job on the horizon. You should also give some thought to the fact that your future lifestyle may take a plunge with the possibility of a major salary reduction in your new job.
  
  
• Is your wife/husband/partner behind you on this?
  You will be going through some very rough waters and it is important that your partner is there for you and strong enough to withstand. Financial worries add serious strain to your relationship and this should be in your thoughts.
  
  
• What is the price of FREEDOM?
  My opinion? It's priceless! But then again, this is for you to decide for yourself.
  
  

If you decide to go for it, stay focused and confident (planning helps a lot with the latter). Freedom doesn't come cheap, but once you're there it tastes great!

So what's your dark passenger?

The "dark passenger" (don't you love Dexter?) is a subconscious presence that awakens every now and then requiring "feeding".

My dark passenger is self-worth, or lack of. Every now and then it pops into my conscious, and does its best to remind me of how unworthy I am. I could be sitting in a business meeting or drinking beer with my buddies when suddenly it just takes over. At its worst, I could find myself in the midst of an anxiety attack.

Self worth has always been an issue. I guess growing up with a demanding father who was never 100% pleased with whatever results I brought home is what did it.

But since leaving the family business, my passenger has been kept in check. Even when it does stick out its head I am capable of locking it away again. I'm not sweeping anything under the carpet, on the contrary. When it does show up, I acknowledge its presence and thank it for reminding me—by contrast—just how worthy I actually am.

It goes right back to sleep after this.