The "I'm leaving..." talk

Many of you have been asking lately about the actual conversation in which you break the news of your leaving to your dad/mother/family member. I know the thought of this talk turns your stomach, and I hope this post helps calm that by providing some guidelines around dos-and-don'ts.

But before I begin, I want to take a minute to talk about the emotions surrounding this talk. The emotions — which by this time are high (probably on both sides) — make keeping calm and staying cool almost an impossible task. Plus, at these levels, they tend to beat rational thinking. You are dreading the talk because deep down you know that emotions will probably take over, preventing you from thinking straight and getting your message out clearly. You are worried that you will end up sounding like a child... And really, by letting the emotions take control, you are sitting the child in the driver's seat. And that's never a good idea! So how do we sit the adult behind the wheel?

I put together this short list of things to keep in mind to help focus your thoughts, and by that reduce your stress levels:

1. Relieve some of the stress by preparing your message in advance.
   Sure, you've been thinking about this talk from the get-go, but you've been thinking about it with a lot of emotion, which needs to be removed from the equation. Make sure your message is concise and to-the-point. Writing it down beforehand helps, as having it prepared in your head is another way to avoid letting the child take over. (If you feel that the stress or emotion will get the better of you, then by all means, read it from the paper if you think it will help.)
2. Don't use feelings to legitimize your actions.
   Saying things like "I feel like I am being smothered" opens the conversation up to debate as each side will try to explain/retort the feeling/emotion (remember, feelings cannot be rationalized). Instead, keep it simple and straightforward: "Working in the business is not for me anymore. I have decided to leave". With that in mind, you should know that there is really no need to legitimize your actions at all. You have decided to leave — for whatever reasons — and you are letting them know.
3. Don't cast blame.
   Don't say things like "it's your fault — you never appreciated the work I did". This will start an argument in which each side will try to prove (or avoid) the blame, taking the attention away from the real reason you are having this talk in the first place: you're leaving. (Remember: you do not need to legitimize you actions; casting blame is a form of legitimization.)
4. As hard as it is, be sympathetic.
   The family you are leaving, has not prepared for this talk like you have. This could be a punch in the face to them (and could be out of nowhere). Allow them to exhibit their emotions and remember, they are just people overcome with emotions — they don't think rationally. Another reason, why your message should be very clear and lacking feelings or blame.
5. Expect the best, plan for the worst.
   This talk can go anywhere from deep sadness to bitter anger, each leading to different outcomes. Be prepared for a "storm" and understand that there will be plenty of time — once you've all calmed down — to talk more. For now, for this specific talk, your only worry is to convey the message that you are leaving.
   
6. There are no victors or losers.
   This isn't a battle. You do not need to win/beat/defeat your family member. There is no need to be right. You are here to deliver the message that you are leaving and you want to do it in a way that will cause the least damage. Understanding that this is not a fight goes a long way to calm the emotions.

The most important thing though, is that you show up yourself and deliver the message. In the long run, it will have a long-lasting effect on your self-esteem.

Stay focused, stay calm. You're almost there...

Season's Greetings!

It's been a while since my last post, I know... My mind has been elsewhere, thinking about careers and life and planning it all (I'm coming to the conclusion that this is not really possible, but more on this later...)

Anyway, I'm organizing my thoughts and will be back shortly to share.

In the meantime, know that I am always here (as promised) so feel free to drop me a line.

I hope you have a peaceful, joyful and restful holiday season; and that 2013 brings lots of health, happiness and great success to us all. (And that we all continue to follow our hearts' calling!)

It's business, not personal

Really?
I don't think so...

If you put your effort into creating something, investing your time in building it, it becomes personal. Why wouldn't it be?!

I'm sure there is a good reason for the project to get shelved, for the idea to get tossed, for the people to be let go. But instead of using empty words, try explaining it with the respect deserved.

It almost always is personal.

Time

Time is the single most precious, most valuable resource you have. Sadly, it's also the most perishable — ticking away whether you like it or not (even now when you are reading this...).

Time cannot be bought. It cannot be topped-up or refunded or returned. Once you've spent it, it's gone — there is no going back or changing your mind.

We seem to ignore this fact. We seem to just let time pass by, figuring we'll make the change tomorrow — live a more fulfilling life later, when we find the time...

Why look for it, or try to get it? You already have it! The question is: are you spending it wisely — are you focusing it on the things that matter most? More importantly: Are you using it to make your dreams come true?

The milk is spilt! Time to find a new cow.

There is no use crying over spilt milk — it won't pour itself off the ground back into the pitcher. Whatever has happened, happened and cannot be reversed.

Here's a tip: accept that the milk has spilt for a reason, that the choices made were a necessary stepping stone on your path. Though it is hard to see at the time, you will eventually understand that they served you down the line.

Accept it, welcome any lessons, and move on to the next big thing.

The pitfall of the missing parent figure

If you work for your father or mother, chances are they are more your boss than they are your parent. Distorted, I know, but there is no avoiding it. The family business seeps into every corner of our lives and with it our respective roles at work (the family dinner table is just another meeting room). The biggest issue with this is that we end up missing out on a parent. A parent who looks out for our interest above all else.

Over time this creates a deficit — one that we continuously seek to fill. But in our quest to quench this thirst we at times get confused. This happens when we come across a person (who could be our parent) and "allow" him/her to fill the void. We confuse their empathy/sympathy as "parent signals", which our little antennas are more than happy to receive... When this happens we drop our guard, allowing the child to get what it wants, while putting reason (the adult) aside. With reason on a leave of absence we risk making the wrong choices/decisions.

This could happen in different situations: interviews, negotiations, business/casual meetings; basically, any place a could-be-parent is present. And we must be wary of this so that we don't put ourselves (and our positions) in jeopardy...

The void that is a missing/lacking parent is a painful one, but it is one that we must learn to live with. More importantly, we need to accept that there is no such thing as a replacement parent.

Accepting this will only make you stronger.

Clichés

You only live once.
Take your life in your own hands.
Life is about the journey, not the destination.
When life serves you lemons, make lemonade!
Actions speak louder than words.
You have to give in order to get back.
Rome was not built in a day.
Practice makes perfect.

The thing though about clichés is that they tend to ring very true to life (excuse the cliché).

The Three Challenges [Guest Post]

I am happy to host this guest post by Christopher Wilocki, who recently left his family business to follow his heart. Moving across 3 states to Colorado, he now "lives to create pictures". If you'd like to know more about Christopher, follow the link above. Drop him a line — I am sure he will appreciate it!

Christopher, I for one am proud of you!


"With change comes discomfort. With discomfort comes questioning. With questioning comes doubt. With doubt comes fear. With fear comes failure."

During my never ending journey to leave the only career I ever knew, I went through a lot. We all experience this process, and we all know of the days and nights of weighing options. In my case, I spent almost a year in silence about the decision I was about to make in my life. I knew that if I made my family or employees aware about how I was feeling it would make any decision even harder because of the wave of unsolicited advice and persuasion that would come my way. So I remained silent and mapped everything out in my head. It was not until I began to see a future away from the business that I started moving in that direction. The coming months of telling my closest employees and then my family were extremely hard. But because I planned everything out before hand, I was ready for what was to come.

As we all know, leaving a family business is extremely hard. There are a million things to explain, or try not to explain. And things take much much longer than in the real world. Mainly because you are not only leaving a company, but you are in many ways leaving your family. And it is tough.

After I left I have had a couple months before my new job and new life started. In those months I started turning into the person I have always wanted to be. And I started looking around and wondering why more people are not leaving their jobs to do what they really dream of doing. In this day and age we are surrounded by self-help books about the four hour day and owning your own company. But very few people commit to doing any of it. Looking back on the journey I am still neck-deep in, I started to put together why "leaving" is harder than people think.

Leaving is extremely uncomfortable. You are no longer in your element. Your routine changes drastically, you think about money, your spending habits are sometimes squashed. And the biggest change is that your future is now foggy as hell. In fact there are days you can't see past the end of the week. This is the first part of leaving anything. And even the tiniest feeling of this causes people to turn back.

When this discomfort comes, you begin to question what in G-ds great name you are doing. Voices in your head start asking things like "what are you doing? You had it so well at XXXXXX!"; "Maybe your Dad is right and this is stupid!"; "How is {enter new job here} going to make you enough money?". These questions are really hard to face. And they have this amazing ability to come out of nowhere, and they make your stomach feel like a bad taco in Mexico.

With these questions come doubt. These questions can turn your world into a doubt filled dreamworld. We will all deal with these questions in our everyday life and I found that the only way to make them go away was to face them head-on. I wrote about them, I listened to them, I faced them. And in return, I proved them to be false and sometimes true. And I moved past them. It was very hard, and even to this day some questions pop up from time to time. But I always make sure I never let them linger to long. Without facing these questions, doubt of what I was doing would have crippled me. And I realized again why leaving is so hard.

The final phase, after the doubt wraps itself around you, is fear. Once this fear has entered your body there is little you can do. At this point you're so uncomfortable it's impossible to see where you were ever going in the first place. There are so many questions screaming in your head you can't think about why you were leaving at all. And now, you have little confidence that you can ever be without your family business at all. All these things lead into a fear that pushes you back into whatever you were leaving in the first place: family business, bad relationship, bad vacation or even a meal at a restaurant you are indecisive about.

And then comes failure. All these steps have defeated you. You will then find reasons why its better to stay. And all of a sudden you burry the idea of ever leaving.

These are the steps I faced. I am not saying they are the same for everyone. But they are similar in so many ways. They are hard. They require lots and lots of hard work to get through. They require a good friend or two to navigate with. But the key to getting past them is facing them. Head on, no compromise. If you don't, like many things in life, they will beat you.

Looking in the mirror

Looking in the mirror, do you (re-)examine the tiny scars, the blemishes and imperfections? Do you get "caught up" in those places? Focusing so much on the flaws that you fail to see the big picture?

The same happens when we try to assess our own value and worth — we get caught up by the bad things. We compare ourselves to people who we — in our perspective — regard as successful or better, and judge ourselves on not having their traits. We focus on the flaws, failing to see the good...

When was the last time you looked in the mirror, and liked what you saw? Appreciated it? If you haven't liked/appreciated in a while, it's time for change...

Respect and appreciation

are the two things we hunger for the most. Years of working in the family business — an environment where respect and appreciation were something you gave, but never received — caused that deficiency. It has scarred us, and we carry it with us wherever we go. Being a scar, it will never really go away, constantly lingering in our psyche.

The problem with this is that it is easily reopened. The slightest sense of disrespect or disparage and the scar opens back up into a bleeding wound. It hurts us, and this is where our challenge lies.

When the scar reopens there are two things we can do: we can fight the offender with anger, putting aside cool and focus only to "show them"; or, we can realize that the hurt we are feeling is not really the scar reopening, but ghost pains from a wound long ago inflicted...

If you realize this, if you understand where it comes from, you will notice that the control it has over you will slowly abate. The "pain" will subside and your mind will clear, allowing you to better deal with the situation at hand.

My scar still itches every now and then. But I've learnt that choosing the "fight" option only causes it to hurt even more. Instead, I recognize that it's just an itch, and itches eventually go away...