The perfect map

Another great post by Seth Godin. So true:
"The search for the exact case study or the exact prescription is the work of the resistance, a clever way to stay safe, to protect yourself from your boss or your self-talk. If you wait for the perfect map before departing on your journey, you'll never have to leave."

The parent, the child and the adult walk into a candy store...

I'm sure you've noticed by now that I reference my three voice-keteers post pretty often. And I wanted to explain the concept of the parent, the child and the adult a little more in depth (no, it's not multiple personality disorder).

The idea of the "3 voices in our head" describes the model of a thought process. The theory was developed by Freud who called the three voices: the id, the ego and the super-ego (sound familiar?). You can read more about Freud's theory here (it's a very deep and interesting read). But in order to keep things simple — and easier to relate to — I call them the child (id), the parent (super-ego), and the adult (ego). To me, the visualization of the characters goes a long way. Here's the gist of it:

• The child is only interested in pleasure and instant gratification; it hates pain and suffering. Think of a 3-year old in a candy store: she doesn't care about right or wrong; all she wants is to eat the candy.
• The parent is the inner critic. It uses guilt to "help" us conform to socially acceptable norms. Back to the child in the candy store: her mother (the parent) now shows up and scolds her, saying how it's wrong to take candy without asking/paying.
• Finally, the adult that does its best to please the child, yet avoid upsetting the parent and breaking any of its rules. Its sole purpose is to make the best possible decision under these circumstances. Back, again, to the candy store: the store owner (the adult) comes out the back to see a parent telling off a fit-throwing child. So he says to the child that she can have the candy if she apologizes, and that next time she should ask her mother before eating it. Crisis over.

These three characters are internalized in your head, and they sound off each time a decision needs to be made. At times louder, at times less so. The challenge is to figure out which one is reacting and driving the decision. When you figure that out, you'll be able to pause and recalibrate the reaction into something more calculated. Think about the last argument you had with someone; do you wish you were less angry and more collected (i.e. "less" child)? Where you focused too much on why you were right and they were wrong (i.e. "too much" parent)? If you listen close enough you'll be able to make that distinction. You'll be able to calm the anger or try a different approach other than the right/wrong angle.

Reacting accordingly is up to the adult to carry out. That's just what grownups do. And by reacting accordingly you will be doing your self-esteem a HUGE service. Huge. So get to it!

Worrying too much about the consequences

When things go south (in a relationship, a situation), do you find that you hold back on speaking your mind because you are worried about how it will come out (or sound)? Worried about what the other person (or people) will think? Do you worry about the relationship(s) taking a hit if you were to say something?

I know I have...

Here's what happens inside your head: the Child gets upset with something or someone. It wants to react, emotionally, and say what it feels. It wants to fix the wrongdoing, now! The Parent on the other hand will lecture you about how it isn't right to react that way: "You don't just tell people what you think! It's not nice!". If the parent is "stronger", the child will lose and stay quite. This means that you'll probably holdback on any directness, or even tip-toe around the whole issue altogether.

But there's a catch to the parent "winning" (or really, to the child loosing)... The child ends up throwing a fit. This translates into: You getting angry/upset with yourself: "I'm so weak for not saying/doing anything about it!" you'll probably say to yourself. Your self-worth will take another beating. More anger will bubble inside...

Been there, done that...

The only way out of this is to think calmly, preventing the feelings from getting the better of the situation. Understand that the situation angers (child) you and that you can't (parent) just take it out on the other person. But — and this is big but — that you need (child) to say something about it in the right (parent) way. Once you understand the "need"/"right" inputs, let the Adult decide how best to handle it. Formulate the correct way to approach the situation and say your thing so that everyone (parent and child) are happy.

If you learn to listen to your inner voices, you will find that your thought patterns change, and that situations that seemed impossible to deal with, become possible. It's all in your mind.

The next level

I started this blog as an outlet. A place for me to vent my emotions and share my challenges and insights into the process of leaving a family-owned business. It's funny how quickly time goes by: next week will mark 2 years since my first post. And it got me thinking that it's time — with the new year and all — to take the blog to the next level.

It never stops to amaze me just how many leavers there are out there. Ever since I started the blog, not a week goes by that I don't receive email from a fellow leaver, sharing her/his situation and at times asking for advice. And though the leavers are from around the world(!!!), the language we speak is one. It's the language of low self-esteem and self-doubt; of lack of appreciation from, and disappointment in our family members; of senseless situations such as managing your siblings. We are so much alike...

It got me thinking that the blog had become bigger than just an outlet for myself. It had become a place for leavers to feel part of something. To understand that this process is something that so many others have gone through (or are going through), and that they are not alone in this.

You, are not alone in this...

There is so much empowerment in feeling part of something. In knowing that you are not alone. In receiving advice and counsel from others that have "been there, done that". And, more importantly, in offering your own experiences and helping others. There had to be a way for me to share that.

And so I am happy to announce the Leavers' Exchange Forum a place for you to connect with other leavers, to ask questions and share insight and experiences from your journey. It's a place for leavers, by leavers!

The forum is available here (and in the menu on the right), and I do hope you join and share (you can share anonymously, too). Together we can help make the leaving process a bit more bearable.

See you there!

The "I'm leaving..." talk

Many of you have been asking lately about the actual conversation in which you break the news of your leaving to your dad/mother/family member. I know the thought of this talk turns your stomach, and I hope this post helps calm that by providing some guidelines around dos-and-don'ts.

But before I begin, I want to take a minute to talk about the emotions surrounding this talk. The emotions — which by this time are high (probably on both sides) — make keeping calm and staying cool almost an impossible task. Plus, at these levels, they tend to beat rational thinking. You are dreading the talk because deep down you know that emotions will probably take over, preventing you from thinking straight and getting your message out clearly. You are worried that you will end up sounding like a child... And really, by letting the emotions take control, you are sitting the child in the driver's seat. And that's never a good idea! So how do we sit the adult behind the wheel?

I put together this short list of things to keep in mind to help focus your thoughts, and by that reduce your stress levels:

1. Relieve some of the stress by preparing your message in advance.
   Sure, you've been thinking about this talk from the get-go, but you've been thinking about it with a lot of emotion, which needs to be removed from the equation. Make sure your message is concise and to-the-point. Writing it down beforehand helps, as having it prepared in your head is another way to avoid letting the child take over. (If you feel that the stress or emotion will get the better of you, then by all means, read it from the paper if you think it will help.)
2. Don't use feelings to legitimize your actions.
   Saying things like "I feel like I am being smothered" opens the conversation up to debate as each side will try to explain/retort the feeling/emotion (remember, feelings cannot be rationalized). Instead, keep it simple and straightforward: "Working in the business is not for me anymore. I have decided to leave". With that in mind, you should know that there is really no need to legitimize your actions at all. You have decided to leave — for whatever reasons — and you are letting them know.
3. Don't cast blame.
   Don't say things like "it's your fault — you never appreciated the work I did". This will start an argument in which each side will try to prove (or avoid) the blame, taking the attention away from the real reason you are having this talk in the first place: you're leaving. (Remember: you do not need to legitimize you actions; casting blame is a form of legitimization.)
4. As hard as it is, be sympathetic.
   The family you are leaving, has not prepared for this talk like you have. This could be a punch in the face to them (and could be out of nowhere). Allow them to exhibit their emotions and remember, they are just people overcome with emotions — they don't think rationally. Another reason, why your message should be very clear and lacking feelings or blame.
5. Expect the best, plan for the worst.
   This talk can go anywhere from deep sadness to bitter anger, each leading to different outcomes. Be prepared for a "storm" and understand that there will be plenty of time — once you've all calmed down — to talk more. For now, for this specific talk, your only worry is to convey the message that you are leaving.
   
6. There are no victors or losers.
   This isn't a battle. You do not need to win/beat/defeat your family member. There is no need to be right. You are here to deliver the message that you are leaving and you want to do it in a way that will cause the least damage. Understanding that this is not a fight goes a long way to calm the emotions.

The most important thing though, is that you show up yourself and deliver the message. In the long run, it will have a long-lasting effect on your self-esteem.

Stay focused, stay calm. You're almost there...

Season's Greetings!

It's been a while since my last post, I know... My mind has been elsewhere, thinking about careers and life and planning it all (I'm coming to the conclusion that this is not really possible, but more on this later...)

Anyway, I'm organizing my thoughts and will be back shortly to share.

In the meantime, know that I am always here (as promised) so feel free to drop me a line.

I hope you have a peaceful, joyful and restful holiday season; and that 2013 brings lots of health, happiness and great success to us all. (And that we all continue to follow our hearts' calling!)

It's business, not personal

Really?
I don't think so...

If you put your effort into creating something, investing your time in building it, it becomes personal. Why wouldn't it be?!

I'm sure there is a good reason for the project to get shelved, for the idea to get tossed, for the people to be let go. But instead of using empty words, try explaining it with the respect deserved.

It almost always is personal.

Time

Time is the single most precious, most valuable resource you have. Sadly, it's also the most perishable — ticking away whether you like it or not (even now when you are reading this...).

Time cannot be bought. It cannot be topped-up or refunded or returned. Once you've spent it, it's gone — there is no going back or changing your mind.

We seem to ignore this fact. We seem to just let time pass by, figuring we'll make the change tomorrow — live a more fulfilling life later, when we find the time...

Why look for it, or try to get it? You already have it! The question is: are you spending it wisely — are you focusing it on the things that matter most? More importantly: Are you using it to make your dreams come true?

The milk is spilt! Time to find a new cow.

There is no use crying over spilt milk — it won't pour itself off the ground back into the pitcher. Whatever has happened, happened and cannot be reversed.

Here's a tip: accept that the milk has spilt for a reason, that the choices made were a necessary stepping stone on your path. Though it is hard to see at the time, you will eventually understand that they served you down the line.

Accept it, welcome any lessons, and move on to the next big thing.

The pitfall of the missing parent figure

If you work for your father or mother, chances are they are more your boss than they are your parent. Distorted, I know, but there is no avoiding it. The family business seeps into every corner of our lives and with it our respective roles at work (the family dinner table is just another meeting room). The biggest issue with this is that we end up missing out on a parent. A parent who looks out for our interest above all else.

Over time this creates a deficit — one that we continuously seek to fill. But in our quest to quench this thirst we at times get confused. This happens when we come across a person (who could be our parent) and "allow" him/her to fill the void. We confuse their empathy/sympathy as "parent signals", which our little antennas are more than happy to receive... When this happens we drop our guard, allowing the child to get what it wants, while putting reason (the adult) aside. With reason on a leave of absence we risk making the wrong choices/decisions.

This could happen in different situations: interviews, negotiations, business/casual meetings; basically, any place a could-be-parent is present. And we must be wary of this so that we don't put ourselves (and our positions) in jeopardy...

The void that is a missing/lacking parent is a painful one, but it is one that we must learn to live with. More importantly, we need to accept that there is no such thing as a replacement parent.

Accepting this will only make you stronger.