Answer: It's not what you think they are thinking!
People/the crowd/the customer/the audience have their own ideas of who or what your are. 99.99% of the time they are not aligned with your self-image.
So, butterflies-in-your-belly or not, get up, do your thing and look people in the eye.
It'll work.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The Little Voice That Could
Making the decision to leave is not easy. It's physically exhausting and mentally painful. It takes a toll on everything and everyone around you. You are making the decision to walkout on someone close, (possibly) destroying their dreams for the future.
It's tough.
The loud voices in your head aren't helping much either, doing all they can to foil your plans. Strumming on your emotional cords, filling your thoughts with the overpowering noise of guilt: "How selfish can you be?! A son shouldn't behave this way to his father. You're leaving after all he did for you?! Shame on you!!". Oh, the guilt...
But under all that noise there's a little voice. A voice that is a lot less loud but strong enough to push you forward, making sure you stay true to yourself. That little voice—your own self-grown version of The Little Engine That Could—will keep you sane. It will push you forward through all the pain and hardship keeping you focused on your goal.
Hang on to that voice. It will remind you why you started this in the first place. It will keep the guilt at bay... And when it's all over and done with, it will help you make amends.
It's tough.
The loud voices in your head aren't helping much either, doing all they can to foil your plans. Strumming on your emotional cords, filling your thoughts with the overpowering noise of guilt: "How selfish can you be?! A son shouldn't behave this way to his father. You're leaving after all he did for you?! Shame on you!!". Oh, the guilt...
But under all that noise there's a little voice. A voice that is a lot less loud but strong enough to push you forward, making sure you stay true to yourself. That little voice—your own self-grown version of The Little Engine That Could—will keep you sane. It will push you forward through all the pain and hardship keeping you focused on your goal.
Hang on to that voice. It will remind you why you started this in the first place. It will keep the guilt at bay... And when it's all over and done with, it will help you make amends.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The school of life is open to anyone
If you wake up each morning with an intent to learn, you'll be fine. If, on the other hand, you're planning on skipping class today (or not attending school at all), you'll get into trouble.
That's just how things work, arrogance will get you nowhere.
It's the same in life: if you are open and willing to learn then everything that happens to you will have a positive side to it because you are generating something good: a lesson.
Looking back, this ordeal could have turned out completely different. I could have let myself become the beaten victim, sour and bitter, with a heart full of vengeance, a place well-known for spawning "side-effects" such as a failed marriages, neglectful parenting, abuse...
But I chose differently. I chose to learn.
And so I learnt about myself and what makes me tick. I learnt about people and relationships. I learnt about the importance of self-worth and looking people in the eye. I learnt how to just be myself and not worry about what others say or think. I learnt to be positive. I learnt to prioritize and focus. And most importantly I learnt about learning and how to make the most out of each trial I was faced with.
This is my lesson for you.
That's just how things work, arrogance will get you nowhere.
It's the same in life: if you are open and willing to learn then everything that happens to you will have a positive side to it because you are generating something good: a lesson.
Looking back, this ordeal could have turned out completely different. I could have let myself become the beaten victim, sour and bitter, with a heart full of vengeance, a place well-known for spawning "side-effects" such as a failed marriages, neglectful parenting, abuse...
But I chose differently. I chose to learn.
And so I learnt about myself and what makes me tick. I learnt about people and relationships. I learnt about the importance of self-worth and looking people in the eye. I learnt how to just be myself and not worry about what others say or think. I learnt to be positive. I learnt to prioritize and focus. And most importantly I learnt about learning and how to make the most out of each trial I was faced with.
This is my lesson for you.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The Three Voice-keteers
We all have 3 inner voices that not only speak different "languages" but each have their own agenda. They are:
- The child;
- the parent;
- and the adult.
The child speaks the language of emotions, curiosity, life, innocence and mostly "I want". The child gets angry, sad, happy and fearful; he will get you curious and excited about trying new things; It pushes aside logic and thought for instant gratification.
The parent on the other hand, lays down the law. It will tell you how you should, or shouldn't, behave; what you can and can't do; constantly passing judgment. When you look at a situation and think something about it, that's your parent-voice kicking in.
Put the child and parent in a room together (or in your head) and, well, "fireworks" is an understatement.
Enter the peace keeper: the adult.
The adult does its best to pacify both the parent and child, yet its most important role is deciding what is best for you. Imagine this:
You are at work when your boss walks in and gives you hell for not submitting work on time.
Your child will be all over this saying "Screw this! I don't need this! I'm gonna walk out and we'll see how they manage without me. I'm too good for this!".
Your parent will be giving you a hard time passing judgement: "You should have submitted the work on time! You're so immature!".
Which is when the adult should kick in and say: "It wouldn't be wise to walk out now as finding a new job is not easy. Yes we should have submitted the work, but there is no point in crying over spilt milk. Let's apologize and try and fix it."
A "good" adult will keep things in check. A "weak" one will loose the battle against the child or parent driving you to listen to the strongest of the two, doing something that is either based on your judgement/standards (parent) or your emotions (child). In most cases this will not get you somewhere constructive...
- The child;
- the parent;
- and the adult.
The child speaks the language of emotions, curiosity, life, innocence and mostly "I want". The child gets angry, sad, happy and fearful; he will get you curious and excited about trying new things; It pushes aside logic and thought for instant gratification.
The parent on the other hand, lays down the law. It will tell you how you should, or shouldn't, behave; what you can and can't do; constantly passing judgment. When you look at a situation and think something about it, that's your parent-voice kicking in.
Put the child and parent in a room together (or in your head) and, well, "fireworks" is an understatement.
Enter the peace keeper: the adult.
The adult does its best to pacify both the parent and child, yet its most important role is deciding what is best for you. Imagine this:
You are at work when your boss walks in and gives you hell for not submitting work on time.
Your child will be all over this saying "Screw this! I don't need this! I'm gonna walk out and we'll see how they manage without me. I'm too good for this!".
Your parent will be giving you a hard time passing judgement: "You should have submitted the work on time! You're so immature!".
Which is when the adult should kick in and say: "It wouldn't be wise to walk out now as finding a new job is not easy. Yes we should have submitted the work, but there is no point in crying over spilt milk. Let's apologize and try and fix it."
A "good" adult will keep things in check. A "weak" one will loose the battle against the child or parent driving you to listen to the strongest of the two, doing something that is either based on your judgement/standards (parent) or your emotions (child). In most cases this will not get you somewhere constructive...
Monday, July 4, 2011
Working in a "regular" business
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to work in a "regular" business? Just going to work without the added pressure that comes with being the son-of-the-owner?
I did. A lot.
While in the family business I was constantly questioning myself: Am I a good leader, or are people following me because I'm the son-of-the-boss? Do people truly respect me, or is it that I'm the son-of-the-boss? Am I funny, or are people smiling/laughing because I'm the son-of-the-boss? You get the picture.
And on top of that I was constantly "over-compensating" for the fact that I was the son-of: working extra hard, doing my best to not ruffle any feathers...
I was loosing myself to doubt, which slowly lead to questions of self-worth.
I kept thinking about what it would be like to just be a "regular" employee with no familial responsibilities towards the business. Would people like me, follow me, respect me? What would it be like to meet new friends, make real relationships with people you spend over a third of your day with without the "son-of effect"?
To most, these questions may seem simple or mundane. But after 13 years "buried" in the family business, in a non-natural, unreal situation they weren't to me. They were uncharted territory way out past the horizon...
Leaving the business allowed me to set sail to that horizon.
I found the answers. The fog has cleared.
I did. A lot.
While in the family business I was constantly questioning myself: Am I a good leader, or are people following me because I'm the son-of-the-boss? Do people truly respect me, or is it that I'm the son-of-the-boss? Am I funny, or are people smiling/laughing because I'm the son-of-the-boss? You get the picture.
And on top of that I was constantly "over-compensating" for the fact that I was the son-of: working extra hard, doing my best to not ruffle any feathers...
I was loosing myself to doubt, which slowly lead to questions of self-worth.
I kept thinking about what it would be like to just be a "regular" employee with no familial responsibilities towards the business. Would people like me, follow me, respect me? What would it be like to meet new friends, make real relationships with people you spend over a third of your day with without the "son-of effect"?
To most, these questions may seem simple or mundane. But after 13 years "buried" in the family business, in a non-natural, unreal situation they weren't to me. They were uncharted territory way out past the horizon...
Leaving the business allowed me to set sail to that horizon.
I found the answers. The fog has cleared.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Taking stock (8 months into leaving...)
8 months... It actually seems like a lot more...
I served notice back in January 2010, then left in October. So I think it is fitting that 18 months later, I should give you an update on how things are going for me.
Let me start with the positive: I feel wonderful, and I wake up in the morning with a smile eager to take on the day. As I keep saying: freedom is priceless!
Now for the tough stuff...
Leaving the business had a serious financial toll and as would be expected when leaving a highly-paid position, the mortgage and monthly bills become a "little" to hefty. The thing is, I come from a very rich family, which made leaving all the more difficult. But once I decided to leave, the "rich" (and family) left me. And so we ended up selling our house and moving to a more affordable location.
I spent 6 months job-hunting to find a job that pays me less than half what my family-business-salary was.
On top of this, the families broke apart and we were no longer part of the "business family".
Fun, eh?
I am not trying to get you down here. Really, I'm not. Keep in mind that I started by saying that I couldn't be happier.
The trick? If you let yourself find it, there is always a silver lining:
Like everything in life, leaving was a lesson. A lesson in growing up, in becoming more self-worthy, in being a better father and husband and in finding my own way. I can safely say that I'd do it all over again if I had to.
Remember: stay positive, stay focused and look for the silver lining. It's there.
I served notice back in January 2010, then left in October. So I think it is fitting that 18 months later, I should give you an update on how things are going for me.
Let me start with the positive: I feel wonderful, and I wake up in the morning with a smile eager to take on the day. As I keep saying: freedom is priceless!
Now for the tough stuff...
Leaving the business had a serious financial toll and as would be expected when leaving a highly-paid position, the mortgage and monthly bills become a "little" to hefty. The thing is, I come from a very rich family, which made leaving all the more difficult. But once I decided to leave, the "rich" (and family) left me. And so we ended up selling our house and moving to a more affordable location.
I spent 6 months job-hunting to find a job that pays me less than half what my family-business-salary was.
On top of this, the families broke apart and we were no longer part of the "business family".
Fun, eh?
I am not trying to get you down here. Really, I'm not. Keep in mind that I started by saying that I couldn't be happier.
The trick? If you let yourself find it, there is always a silver lining:
- Our new home turned out to be a great step forward in quality of life. We love it for so many reasons.
- Even though I am earning less, I can't wait to get to work in the mornings. Yes – it's amazingly interesting, but more importantly I get to create real relationships with people (without the "I'm the son of the owner" feelings), and I do work that matters.
- On a personal level, I have become a better and more relaxed father and husband.
Like everything in life, leaving was a lesson. A lesson in growing up, in becoming more self-worthy, in being a better father and husband and in finding my own way. I can safely say that I'd do it all over again if I had to.
Remember: stay positive, stay focused and look for the silver lining. It's there.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Buddha left the family business...
He was born prince Siddharta: An only son to king Suddhodana, a demanding father and fearless warrior who fought long and hard to keep his kingdom's borders in check.
The other thing Suddhodana fought hard to do, was keep Siddharta in the "business", isolating him from the real world, forcing him to become a warrior-prince and pushing the crown on to him.
But no matter how hard his father tried, Siddharta's calling was stronger, and eventually he gave up his crown and all possessions to become Gautama the monk.
Free at last to follow his calling, he went on to become Buddha, the enlightened one.
This is the story in a nutshell, a teeny tiny nutshell. But it is interesting to look at from our point of view (us leavers): A prince who had it all, yet felt empty and without purpose. A family generously applying guilt, pushing the kingdom (their own dream) on to him. What does he do? He leaves, and following his inner voice he goes on to do great things.
The only question left to ask is: Are you following your inner voice?
The other thing Suddhodana fought hard to do, was keep Siddharta in the "business", isolating him from the real world, forcing him to become a warrior-prince and pushing the crown on to him.
But no matter how hard his father tried, Siddharta's calling was stronger, and eventually he gave up his crown and all possessions to become Gautama the monk.
Free at last to follow his calling, he went on to become Buddha, the enlightened one.
This is the story in a nutshell, a teeny tiny nutshell. But it is interesting to look at from our point of view (us leavers): A prince who had it all, yet felt empty and without purpose. A family generously applying guilt, pushing the kingdom (their own dream) on to him. What does he do? He leaves, and following his inner voice he goes on to do great things.
The only question left to ask is: Are you following your inner voice?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
(mis) judging people
When you look at someone (or at a situation) and decide whether he/she/it are good or bad (in basic terms), you are basing your decision on your own personal set of values.
These values have developed in you since childbirth and have been largely effected by your parents, your peers and your own self-developed beliefs. But the key point is that they are yours. Your own.
Sure, we share values like Thou shalt not kill (well, at least most of us do). But the day-to-day values, the ones that decide whether that guy is a 'schmuck' or not, are solely yours. And herein lies the problem.
You see the guy—who you just decided is a schmuck—is working on a whole different set of values: his own. My guess is that they are not identical to yours. So judging him (or her), in most cases, won't get you anywhere good.
Instead of being (mis-)judgmental, try being constructive and positive. Tell yourself a story that fits-in with your value-set, such as: the guy is probably having a really bad day—like I have some times—which is why he is acting that way.
The purpose of this exercise is getting you into a constructive mindset (regardless of the guy's behavior), because in this mindset you are calmer, your fighting instincts have subsided and you are open to opportunity.
In 9 times out of 10, you will find out that the guy isn't really a schmuck, he's just being misjudged.
In Enchantment, Guy Kawasaki talks about accepting others as a way to achieve likability. He sums it up in 4 points:
These values have developed in you since childbirth and have been largely effected by your parents, your peers and your own self-developed beliefs. But the key point is that they are yours. Your own.
Sure, we share values like Thou shalt not kill (well, at least most of us do). But the day-to-day values, the ones that decide whether that guy is a 'schmuck' or not, are solely yours. And herein lies the problem.
You see the guy—who you just decided is a schmuck—is working on a whole different set of values: his own. My guess is that they are not identical to yours. So judging him (or her), in most cases, won't get you anywhere good.
Instead of being (mis-)judgmental, try being constructive and positive. Tell yourself a story that fits-in with your value-set, such as: the guy is probably having a really bad day—like I have some times—which is why he is acting that way.
The purpose of this exercise is getting you into a constructive mindset (regardless of the guy's behavior), because in this mindset you are calmer, your fighting instincts have subsided and you are open to opportunity.
In 9 times out of 10, you will find out that the guy isn't really a schmuck, he's just being misjudged.
In Enchantment, Guy Kawasaki talks about accepting others as a way to achieve likability. He sums it up in 4 points:
- People are not binary
- Everyone is better than you at something
- People are more similar than they are different
- People deserve a break
Monday, June 6, 2011
It's all about keeping the balance
Life is a pedulum: always swinging back and forth. One moment you're up, the next you're down.
If you think of it this way you'll see that just as the pendulum can't defy gravity and only swing up, so can't life be going in one direction. If you're up now, it'll balance out; if your down, it'll also change.
This doesn't mean that we should stop swinging the pendulum. We might as well be dead.
It means that we need to be ready and/or hopeful: if you are having a great run and everything is working out for you, be ready for the reverse swing.
If you're having a tough time—at work, at home, in life—be hopeful! The reverse swing is coming...
If you try and fight this, you'll only get hit harder. The higher you swing the pendulum, the mightier the swing back will be. Call it equilibrium, call it ying & yang, light & dark; call it whatever you want. The balance—whether you like it or not—will always be kept.
Accepting this will lead to a better life. A life where you enjoy the peaks to the fullest knowing they will end soon, and weathering the downs knowing those too shall pass.
If you are "stuck" in a family business because of guilt or someone else's dream then your life is not balanced. You are pushing the pendulum in one direction, and ignoring that inner-voice that is telling you this, will only push it further until one day it will swing back with all its force and might.
Tell yourself this: If the reverse swing is coming anyway, might as well be today that you decide to swing it back.
If you think of it this way you'll see that just as the pendulum can't defy gravity and only swing up, so can't life be going in one direction. If you're up now, it'll balance out; if your down, it'll also change.
This doesn't mean that we should stop swinging the pendulum. We might as well be dead.
It means that we need to be ready and/or hopeful: if you are having a great run and everything is working out for you, be ready for the reverse swing.
If you're having a tough time—at work, at home, in life—be hopeful! The reverse swing is coming...
If you try and fight this, you'll only get hit harder. The higher you swing the pendulum, the mightier the swing back will be. Call it equilibrium, call it ying & yang, light & dark; call it whatever you want. The balance—whether you like it or not—will always be kept.
Accepting this will lead to a better life. A life where you enjoy the peaks to the fullest knowing they will end soon, and weathering the downs knowing those too shall pass.
If you are "stuck" in a family business because of guilt or someone else's dream then your life is not balanced. You are pushing the pendulum in one direction, and ignoring that inner-voice that is telling you this, will only push it further until one day it will swing back with all its force and might.
Tell yourself this: If the reverse swing is coming anyway, might as well be today that you decide to swing it back.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Hi there!
So, it's been a while...
I'm sorry. I got caught up in my new job and moving house and everything related to, well, post-family-business stuff...
I'm back and I'll update soon with more takes on life.
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