You only live once.
Take your life in your own hands.
Life is about the journey, not the destination.
When life serves you lemons, make lemonade!
Actions speak louder than words.
You have to give in order to get back.
Rome was not built in a day.
Practice makes perfect.
The thing though about clichés is that they tend to ring very true to life (excuse the cliché).
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Three Challenges [Guest Post]
I am happy to host this guest post by Christopher Wilocki, who recently left his family business to follow his heart. Moving across 3 states to Colorado, he now "lives to create pictures". If you'd like to know more about Christopher, follow the link above. Drop him a line — I am sure he will appreciate it!
Christopher, I for one am proud of you! "With change comes discomfort. With discomfort comes questioning. With questioning comes doubt. With doubt comes fear. With fear comes failure." During my never ending journey to leave the only career I ever knew, I went through a lot. We all experience this process, and we all know of the days and nights of weighing options. In my case, I spent almost a year in silence about the decision I was about to make in my life. I knew that if I made my family or employees aware about how I was feeling it would make any decision even harder because of the wave of unsolicited advice and persuasion that would come my way. So I remained silent and mapped everything out in my head. It was not until I began to see a future away from the business that I started moving in that direction. The coming months of telling my closest employees and then my family were extremely hard. But because I planned everything out before hand, I was ready for what was to come. As we all know, leaving a family business is extremely hard. There are a million things to explain, or try not to explain. And things take much much longer than in the real world. Mainly because you are not only leaving a company, but you are in many ways leaving your family. And it is tough. After I left I have had a couple months before my new job and new life started. In those months I started turning into the person I have always wanted to be. And I started looking around and wondering why more people are not leaving their jobs to do what they really dream of doing. In this day and age we are surrounded by self-help books about the four hour day and owning your own company. But very few people commit to doing any of it. Looking back on the journey I am still neck-deep in, I started to put together why "leaving" is harder than people think. Leaving is extremely uncomfortable. You are no longer in your element. Your routine changes drastically, you think about money, your spending habits are sometimes squashed. And the biggest change is that your future is now foggy as hell. In fact there are days you can't see past the end of the week. This is the first part of leaving anything. And even the tiniest feeling of this causes people to turn back. When this discomfort comes, you begin to question what in G-ds great name you are doing. Voices in your head start asking things like "what are you doing? You had it so well at XXXXXX!"; "Maybe your Dad is right and this is stupid!"; "How is {enter new job here} going to make you enough money?". These questions are really hard to face. And they have this amazing ability to come out of nowhere, and they make your stomach feel like a bad taco in Mexico. With these questions come doubt. These questions can turn your world into a doubt filled dreamworld. We will all deal with these questions in our everyday life and I found that the only way to make them go away was to face them head-on. I wrote about them, I listened to them, I faced them. And in return, I proved them to be false and sometimes true. And I moved past them. It was very hard, and even to this day some questions pop up from time to time. But I always make sure I never let them linger to long. Without facing these questions, doubt of what I was doing would have crippled me. And I realized again why leaving is so hard. The final phase, after the doubt wraps itself around you, is fear. Once this fear has entered your body there is little you can do. At this point you're so uncomfortable it's impossible to see where you were ever going in the first place. There are so many questions screaming in your head you can't think about why you were leaving at all. And now, you have little confidence that you can ever be without your family business at all. All these things lead into a fear that pushes you back into whatever you were leaving in the first place: family business, bad relationship, bad vacation or even a meal at a restaurant you are indecisive about. And then comes failure. All these steps have defeated you. You will then find reasons why its better to stay. And all of a sudden you burry the idea of ever leaving. These are the steps I faced. I am not saying they are the same for everyone. But they are similar in so many ways. They are hard. They require lots and lots of hard work to get through. They require a good friend or two to navigate with. But the key to getting past them is facing them. Head on, no compromise. If you don't, like many things in life, they will beat you.
Christopher, I for one am proud of you! "With change comes discomfort. With discomfort comes questioning. With questioning comes doubt. With doubt comes fear. With fear comes failure." During my never ending journey to leave the only career I ever knew, I went through a lot. We all experience this process, and we all know of the days and nights of weighing options. In my case, I spent almost a year in silence about the decision I was about to make in my life. I knew that if I made my family or employees aware about how I was feeling it would make any decision even harder because of the wave of unsolicited advice and persuasion that would come my way. So I remained silent and mapped everything out in my head. It was not until I began to see a future away from the business that I started moving in that direction. The coming months of telling my closest employees and then my family were extremely hard. But because I planned everything out before hand, I was ready for what was to come. As we all know, leaving a family business is extremely hard. There are a million things to explain, or try not to explain. And things take much much longer than in the real world. Mainly because you are not only leaving a company, but you are in many ways leaving your family. And it is tough. After I left I have had a couple months before my new job and new life started. In those months I started turning into the person I have always wanted to be. And I started looking around and wondering why more people are not leaving their jobs to do what they really dream of doing. In this day and age we are surrounded by self-help books about the four hour day and owning your own company. But very few people commit to doing any of it. Looking back on the journey I am still neck-deep in, I started to put together why "leaving" is harder than people think. Leaving is extremely uncomfortable. You are no longer in your element. Your routine changes drastically, you think about money, your spending habits are sometimes squashed. And the biggest change is that your future is now foggy as hell. In fact there are days you can't see past the end of the week. This is the first part of leaving anything. And even the tiniest feeling of this causes people to turn back. When this discomfort comes, you begin to question what in G-ds great name you are doing. Voices in your head start asking things like "what are you doing? You had it so well at XXXXXX!"; "Maybe your Dad is right and this is stupid!"; "How is {enter new job here} going to make you enough money?". These questions are really hard to face. And they have this amazing ability to come out of nowhere, and they make your stomach feel like a bad taco in Mexico. With these questions come doubt. These questions can turn your world into a doubt filled dreamworld. We will all deal with these questions in our everyday life and I found that the only way to make them go away was to face them head-on. I wrote about them, I listened to them, I faced them. And in return, I proved them to be false and sometimes true. And I moved past them. It was very hard, and even to this day some questions pop up from time to time. But I always make sure I never let them linger to long. Without facing these questions, doubt of what I was doing would have crippled me. And I realized again why leaving is so hard. The final phase, after the doubt wraps itself around you, is fear. Once this fear has entered your body there is little you can do. At this point you're so uncomfortable it's impossible to see where you were ever going in the first place. There are so many questions screaming in your head you can't think about why you were leaving at all. And now, you have little confidence that you can ever be without your family business at all. All these things lead into a fear that pushes you back into whatever you were leaving in the first place: family business, bad relationship, bad vacation or even a meal at a restaurant you are indecisive about. And then comes failure. All these steps have defeated you. You will then find reasons why its better to stay. And all of a sudden you burry the idea of ever leaving. These are the steps I faced. I am not saying they are the same for everyone. But they are similar in so many ways. They are hard. They require lots and lots of hard work to get through. They require a good friend or two to navigate with. But the key to getting past them is facing them. Head on, no compromise. If you don't, like many things in life, they will beat you.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Looking in the mirror
Looking in the mirror, do you (re-)examine the tiny scars, the blemishes and imperfections? Do you get "caught up" in those places? Focusing so much on the flaws that you fail to see the big picture?
The same happens when we try to assess our own value and worth — we get caught up by the bad things. We compare ourselves to people who we — in our perspective — regard as successful or better, and judge ourselves on not having their traits. We focus on the flaws, failing to see the good...
When was the last time you looked in the mirror, and liked what you saw? Appreciated it? If you haven't liked/appreciated in a while, it's time for change...
The same happens when we try to assess our own value and worth — we get caught up by the bad things. We compare ourselves to people who we — in our perspective — regard as successful or better, and judge ourselves on not having their traits. We focus on the flaws, failing to see the good...
When was the last time you looked in the mirror, and liked what you saw? Appreciated it? If you haven't liked/appreciated in a while, it's time for change...
Friday, September 21, 2012
Respect and appreciation
are the two things we hunger for the most. Years of working in the family business — an environment where respect and appreciation were something you gave, but never received — caused that deficiency. It has scarred us, and we carry it with us wherever we go. Being a scar, it will never really go away, constantly lingering in our psyche.
The problem with this is that it is easily reopened. The slightest sense of disrespect or disparage and the scar opens back up into a bleeding wound. It hurts us, and this is where our challenge lies.
When the scar reopens there are two things we can do: we can fight the offender with anger, putting aside cool and focus only to "show them"; or, we can realize that the hurt we are feeling is not really the scar reopening, but ghost pains from a wound long ago inflicted...
If you realize this, if you understand where it comes from, you will notice that the control it has over you will slowly abate. The "pain" will subside and your mind will clear, allowing you to better deal with the situation at hand.
My scar still itches every now and then. But I've learnt that choosing the "fight" option only causes it to hurt even more. Instead, I recognize that it's just an itch, and itches eventually go away...
The problem with this is that it is easily reopened. The slightest sense of disrespect or disparage and the scar opens back up into a bleeding wound. It hurts us, and this is where our challenge lies.
When the scar reopens there are two things we can do: we can fight the offender with anger, putting aside cool and focus only to "show them"; or, we can realize that the hurt we are feeling is not really the scar reopening, but ghost pains from a wound long ago inflicted...
If you realize this, if you understand where it comes from, you will notice that the control it has over you will slowly abate. The "pain" will subside and your mind will clear, allowing you to better deal with the situation at hand.
My scar still itches every now and then. But I've learnt that choosing the "fight" option only causes it to hurt even more. Instead, I recognize that it's just an itch, and itches eventually go away...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Thoughts around game theory
I had another thought around my post yesterday: In a perpetual game (a game that does not have a finite number of moves — which is more like real life), do you know what the best playing tactic is?
It's called tit for tat, and it states that you play the move your opponent played in the previous round. So, if your opponent defected in the previous round, you defect in the current round, to teach him a lesson. If he trusted, you trust. and on the game goes...
But there is an inevitability to the perpetual "real-life-family-business" game. At some point, after rounds of tit for tat, you will become exhausted and worn out from calculating your every step and move. Weary and tired, a possible end to the game will start looming on the horizon. When that happens then mathematical theory teaches us that the best tactic at that point is to always defect (it's called the Nash Equilibrium), and we know where that will lead us to...
I guess what I am saying is: play the trust card for as long as you can hold out — fight for it. Just remember that once you decide to switch tactics, once you move to a tit for tat game, there is an inevitability that you will no longer be able to ignore...
It's called tit for tat, and it states that you play the move your opponent played in the previous round. So, if your opponent defected in the previous round, you defect in the current round, to teach him a lesson. If he trusted, you trust. and on the game goes...
But there is an inevitability to the perpetual "real-life-family-business" game. At some point, after rounds of tit for tat, you will become exhausted and worn out from calculating your every step and move. Weary and tired, a possible end to the game will start looming on the horizon. When that happens then mathematical theory teaches us that the best tactic at that point is to always defect (it's called the Nash Equilibrium), and we know where that will lead us to...
I guess what I am saying is: play the trust card for as long as you can hold out — fight for it. Just remember that once you decide to switch tactics, once you move to a tit for tat game, there is an inevitability that you will no longer be able to ignore...
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Game Theory and the Son's Dilemma
Game theory is the study of decisions that two sane individuals choose to make in relation to one another. These decisions confront each "player" with different dilemmas. A classic example is the prisoner's dilemma — a situation where the two players choose not to cooperate even though it's in their best interests to do so. Instead of cooperating, and both making a gain, one, or both, will choose to deceive the other — defecting from the partnership. If one defects, he makes a gain at the other's expense. If both defect, both loose. The prisoner's dilemma is a test of trust, each player will choose to cooperate as long as he trusts the other player to choose the same (and not defect). And herein lies the challenge.
The challenge, obviously, is maintaining that trust, a sense that is so painstakingly forged, yet so easily crushed — one foul move and everything you've worked so hard for is gone. When the trust is gone, defecting becomes an option, with each player defecting to "teach the other a lesson". In theory, if the game has a foreseen end to it, the optimal strategy for each player at that point is to always defect...
Does this sound familiar?
When I was playing the family business "game", I was faced with what I call the son's dilemma. In the game, you put your (blind) trust in your father, trusting that he will work with you. But every so often the father chooses to defect. It is at that point that you are confronted with the son's dilemma: trust your father again, or defect from the relationship, teaching him a lesson. If your father has defected numerously in the past, what would your turn be — trust or defect? How long would you continue this game?
For me, it was one defection too many, and trust was completely lost. The game was finally over.
The challenge, obviously, is maintaining that trust, a sense that is so painstakingly forged, yet so easily crushed — one foul move and everything you've worked so hard for is gone. When the trust is gone, defecting becomes an option, with each player defecting to "teach the other a lesson". In theory, if the game has a foreseen end to it, the optimal strategy for each player at that point is to always defect...
Does this sound familiar?
When I was playing the family business "game", I was faced with what I call the son's dilemma. In the game, you put your (blind) trust in your father, trusting that he will work with you. But every so often the father chooses to defect. It is at that point that you are confronted with the son's dilemma: trust your father again, or defect from the relationship, teaching him a lesson. If your father has defected numerously in the past, what would your turn be — trust or defect? How long would you continue this game?
For me, it was one defection too many, and trust was completely lost. The game was finally over.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Life in the Shadow
I was watching this TV show the other day. In one of the scenes a singer — the son of an extremely well known (and still active) singer — was talking about life in his dad's shadow, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him... To me it seemed as if he too was in a "family business" of sorts. And following in his father's footsteps, he was living in the shadow...
It's a very tough place, living in the shadow. No matter how hard you try to move out of the shadow, it always seems to prevail over the warm glow of the light. I remember the feeling all too well. That feeling of unattainability, of never being able to outshine the shadow, of always being eclipsed.
It's an impossible situation. As a son, you aspire to make your father proud. You imagine him jabbing a friend with his elbow, saying something like "that there is my son!"; a big smile and look of pride on his face. But that never seems to happen. The glass ceiling — the ceiling that is the family business and working for your father — blocks your ascent, preventing you from attaining your wishes. And you are left with the growing feeling of disappointment.
I've long stepped out of that shadow, but the look on that singer's face made me think of it, and it reminded me once again just how good it feels out in the light.
It's a very tough place, living in the shadow. No matter how hard you try to move out of the shadow, it always seems to prevail over the warm glow of the light. I remember the feeling all too well. That feeling of unattainability, of never being able to outshine the shadow, of always being eclipsed.
It's an impossible situation. As a son, you aspire to make your father proud. You imagine him jabbing a friend with his elbow, saying something like "that there is my son!"; a big smile and look of pride on his face. But that never seems to happen. The glass ceiling — the ceiling that is the family business and working for your father — blocks your ascent, preventing you from attaining your wishes. And you are left with the growing feeling of disappointment.
I've long stepped out of that shadow, but the look on that singer's face made me think of it, and it reminded me once again just how good it feels out in the light.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
An exercise in points of view
Did Samsung win or loose the trial against Apple?
Point of view 1: Lost! Samsung was ordered to pay $1.05B in damages! That is one big loss, if you ask me...
That is pretty much what I thought. Until Robert Scoble gave me point view 2:
They won. Big time! Why? Because copying Apple allowed them to become the #2 smartphone manufacturer in the world, and all that copying cost them was $1.05B (which is chump change for Samsung).
Every cloud has a silver lining. Just depends on your point of view...
Point of view 1: Lost! Samsung was ordered to pay $1.05B in damages! That is one big loss, if you ask me...
That is pretty much what I thought. Until Robert Scoble gave me point view 2:
They won. Big time! Why? Because copying Apple allowed them to become the #2 smartphone manufacturer in the world, and all that copying cost them was $1.05B (which is chump change for Samsung).
Every cloud has a silver lining. Just depends on your point of view...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Career planning
In the context of a family business, this is a moot point. You don't plan; the planning is done for you. All you do is go with the flow: As needs arise, you get moved up to more senior positions and take on more responsibilities. But it's not something you consciously give thought to. It just happens.
Now that you are out of the business you need to give your career some thought. An it's-just-gonna-happen attitude won't fly in the "real world". And you need to have a clear picture in your mind of where you want to be so that you can form a plan on how to get there.
The best way to do this is to work backwards. First, ask yourself where you want to be in the long run, what do you see yourself doing? Once you have that clearly visualized, map the steps you need to take in order to get there, working backwards. List the positions/jobs you need to fill, and the skills you need to develop, and presto! You have yourself a career plan! As with all plans, you should also build-in a few worst-case-scenarios and have fallbacks just in case. Then, you keep to it!
Being communicative and clear can go a long way. I recently sat down with my manager to discuss my career — an open, candid conversation. It was actually the first time I had voiced my career plans out loud to a person besides my wife! Just talking about them like that made them become real and tangible.
Lastly, you need to maintain a long-term-thinking attitude. Remember that there is a lesson to be learnt behind each and every experience. So even if your plans get "delayed", for whatever reason, stay focused on the long-term and learn from the short-term. Eventually you will realize that it all served the purpose of getting you to your goal more equipped and better prepared.
Now that you are out of the business you need to give your career some thought. An it's-just-gonna-happen attitude won't fly in the "real world". And you need to have a clear picture in your mind of where you want to be so that you can form a plan on how to get there.
The best way to do this is to work backwards. First, ask yourself where you want to be in the long run, what do you see yourself doing? Once you have that clearly visualized, map the steps you need to take in order to get there, working backwards. List the positions/jobs you need to fill, and the skills you need to develop, and presto! You have yourself a career plan! As with all plans, you should also build-in a few worst-case-scenarios and have fallbacks just in case. Then, you keep to it!
Being communicative and clear can go a long way. I recently sat down with my manager to discuss my career — an open, candid conversation. It was actually the first time I had voiced my career plans out loud to a person besides my wife! Just talking about them like that made them become real and tangible.
Lastly, you need to maintain a long-term-thinking attitude. Remember that there is a lesson to be learnt behind each and every experience. So even if your plans get "delayed", for whatever reason, stay focused on the long-term and learn from the short-term. Eventually you will realize that it all served the purpose of getting you to your goal more equipped and better prepared.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Leaving day
Will be one of the toughest days of your life. Mine was a hell of mixed emotions: Happiness, sadness, guilt... A reader who wrote me the other day subtly put it: "It is a lot like witnessing your own memorial."
The time leading up to the leaving day was really stressful. My dad, who refused to accept my leaving, left the workload handover for the last minute. I remember handing over all my responsibilities and how possessive I became of them. They were mine to carry for so long, and now I had to let them go. On one hand there was this feeling of relief, but on the other there was this great big hole...
The toughest part, though, was saying goodbye to all the people I had spent most of the hours of my day with for the past 13 years. Walking by each office to say farewell was a guilt-trip if there ever was one. I felt like I was abandoning them. I felt like a looser for not sticking it out. I had managed to muster a fake smile, but it didn't really help much.
My dad had left early that day. I didn't even say goodbye to him. I took my last box, scanned my memory-filled, empty office and walked home.
But, as I always say, I have never looked back. Leaving day was just another step on the road to following my heart...
It'll be two year in October. My wife and I actually celebrate the day. The day we finally became free.
The time leading up to the leaving day was really stressful. My dad, who refused to accept my leaving, left the workload handover for the last minute. I remember handing over all my responsibilities and how possessive I became of them. They were mine to carry for so long, and now I had to let them go. On one hand there was this feeling of relief, but on the other there was this great big hole...
The toughest part, though, was saying goodbye to all the people I had spent most of the hours of my day with for the past 13 years. Walking by each office to say farewell was a guilt-trip if there ever was one. I felt like I was abandoning them. I felt like a looser for not sticking it out. I had managed to muster a fake smile, but it didn't really help much.
My dad had left early that day. I didn't even say goodbye to him. I took my last box, scanned my memory-filled, empty office and walked home.
But, as I always say, I have never looked back. Leaving day was just another step on the road to following my heart...
It'll be two year in October. My wife and I actually celebrate the day. The day we finally became free.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)