Getting past the resistance

Why is it that we choose to continue living the routine? Why do we choose to accept the "golden handcuffs" that keep us in the quotidian grind?

The answer is simple: the Resistance. The Resistance is the voice in your head that always has an excuse, a tale, of why not to do something. The Resistance loves routine; hates change. And so it works extra hard to keep you put, even at the expense of following your heart and dreams. But the thing with the Resistance is that it's like a child—providing lame answers (or excuses) to big question. And that, if you think about it, is its weakness.

It's a weakness because it allows you to catch it in the dog-ate-my-homework act. Because when you listen to what the Resistance has to say, you'll realize just how unfounded it's reasoning is: "You're not good enough"; "You won't be as respected as you are here"; "Do you really want the extra work?"... All lame, miserable excuses. If you identify this "type" of voice, you'll be able to ignore it, and in turn focus on the voice that is pushing you forward, and the real work that's at hand.

Now, ignoring the Resistance is not that easy—I know! So here's a tip to help with that: treat the Resistance as a devil's advocate. Think of it not as a roadblock, but as a warning sign: it is trying to get your attention to the dangers that lie ahead, trying to prepare you for what's coming next. So when it raises its "concerns" about not being good enough or respected enough or over worked, thank it for its concern, explain to it why it is wrong and then dismiss it.

The Resistance will come back and try again, but if you keep focused you'll beat it at its own game.

Pavlovian conditioning

Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs? If not, you can read about it here. But in a nutshell: In an experiment involving dogs, Pavlov associated a bell ring to food being served. Each time the dogs received their food, Pavlov would ring a bell. Eventually the bell ring itself—without food being served—would cause the dogs to react as if they were being served food. The dogs had become conditioned to the bell ring. This is known as a Pavlovian conditioning or Pavlovian reaction.

The thing is, like it or not, we all "suffer" from this sort of conditioning. We all have a (metaphoric) bell that causes us to react in a certain way, regardless of whether (metaphoric) food is being served. For example: Think about where your mind goes when someone criticizes your work. Does it feel like your dad (or boss family member) belittling you all over again? The sound of that "bell" — regardless of the fact that you are out of the business already, and the criticism is meant in a good way (ie no real food being served) — will cause a certain reaction with you and trigger certain emotions.

As with all conditions, they can be reconditioned. And it's up to you to do so. The first step is to identify those Pavlovian reactions. Identify the bells that cause the reactions of old. Then react differently, in a way that is thoughtful and calm. Do it enough times, and you'll be all set.

(Thanks to my amazing wife for helping me spot the bells...)

Goal setting

One of the most powerful ways I know of making things happen, is to start by writing them down. It's that simple. Thinking, imagining or musing over your goals is good, but writing them down is the first step at making them happen.

There is something very powerful about doing that, about committing that way. Once they are on paper, your conscious relates to them differently and suddenly things will start coming together to make them happen.

Give it a try. You'll see what I mean.

The smell of freedom

There is that moment when, suddenly, you understand that you have options; when the weight of the ball-and-chain — known as the family business — disappears, and you realize that you have possibilities you can consider. That is when the first scents of freedom hit you.

It's a liberating moment.
--
For J. Good luck!

The perfect map

Another great post by Seth Godin. So true:
"The search for the exact case study or the exact prescription is the work of the resistance, a clever way to stay safe, to protect yourself from your boss or your self-talk. If you wait for the perfect map before departing on your journey, you'll never have to leave."

The parent, the child and the adult walk into a candy store...

I'm sure you've noticed by now that I reference my three voice-keteers post pretty often. And I wanted to explain the concept of the parent, the child and the adult a little more in depth (no, it's not multiple personality disorder).

The idea of the "3 voices in our head" describes the model of a thought process. The theory was developed by Freud who called the three voices: the id, the ego and the super-ego (sound familiar?). You can read more about Freud's theory here (it's a very deep and interesting read). But in order to keep things simple — and easier to relate to — I call them the child (id), the parent (super-ego), and the adult (ego). To me, the visualization of the characters goes a long way. Here's the gist of it:

• The child is only interested in pleasure and instant gratification; it hates pain and suffering. Think of a 3-year old in a candy store: she doesn't care about right or wrong; all she wants is to eat the candy.
• The parent is the inner critic. It uses guilt to "help" us conform to socially acceptable norms. Back to the child in the candy store: her mother (the parent) now shows up and scolds her, saying how it's wrong to take candy without asking/paying.
• Finally, the adult that does its best to please the child, yet avoid upsetting the parent and breaking any of its rules. Its sole purpose is to make the best possible decision under these circumstances. Back, again, to the candy store: the store owner (the adult) comes out the back to see a parent telling off a fit-throwing child. So he says to the child that she can have the candy if she apologizes, and that next time she should ask her mother before eating it. Crisis over.

These three characters are internalized in your head, and they sound off each time a decision needs to be made. At times louder, at times less so. The challenge is to figure out which one is reacting and driving the decision. When you figure that out, you'll be able to pause and recalibrate the reaction into something more calculated. Think about the last argument you had with someone; do you wish you were less angry and more collected (i.e. "less" child)? Where you focused too much on why you were right and they were wrong (i.e. "too much" parent)? If you listen close enough you'll be able to make that distinction. You'll be able to calm the anger or try a different approach other than the right/wrong angle.

Reacting accordingly is up to the adult to carry out. That's just what grownups do. And by reacting accordingly you will be doing your self-esteem a HUGE service. Huge. So get to it!

Worrying too much about the consequences

When things go south (in a relationship, a situation), do you find that you hold back on speaking your mind because you are worried about how it will come out (or sound)? Worried about what the other person (or people) will think? Do you worry about the relationship(s) taking a hit if you were to say something?

I know I have...

Here's what happens inside your head: the Child gets upset with something or someone. It wants to react, emotionally, and say what it feels. It wants to fix the wrongdoing, now! The Parent on the other hand will lecture you about how it isn't right to react that way: "You don't just tell people what you think! It's not nice!". If the parent is "stronger", the child will lose and stay quite. This means that you'll probably holdback on any directness, or even tip-toe around the whole issue altogether.

But there's a catch to the parent "winning" (or really, to the child loosing)... The child ends up throwing a fit. This translates into: You getting angry/upset with yourself: "I'm so weak for not saying/doing anything about it!" you'll probably say to yourself. Your self-worth will take another beating. More anger will bubble inside...

Been there, done that...

The only way out of this is to think calmly, preventing the feelings from getting the better of the situation. Understand that the situation angers (child) you and that you can't (parent) just take it out on the other person. But — and this is big but — that you need (child) to say something about it in the right (parent) way. Once you understand the "need"/"right" inputs, let the Adult decide how best to handle it. Formulate the correct way to approach the situation and say your thing so that everyone (parent and child) are happy.

If you learn to listen to your inner voices, you will find that your thought patterns change, and that situations that seemed impossible to deal with, become possible. It's all in your mind.

The next level

I started this blog as an outlet. A place for me to vent my emotions and share my challenges and insights into the process of leaving a family-owned business. It's funny how quickly time goes by: next week will mark 2 years since my first post. And it got me thinking that it's time — with the new year and all — to take the blog to the next level.

It never stops to amaze me just how many leavers there are out there. Ever since I started the blog, not a week goes by that I don't receive email from a fellow leaver, sharing her/his situation and at times asking for advice. And though the leavers are from around the world(!!!), the language we speak is one. It's the language of low self-esteem and self-doubt; of lack of appreciation from, and disappointment in our family members; of senseless situations such as managing your siblings. We are so much alike...

It got me thinking that the blog had become bigger than just an outlet for myself. It had become a place for leavers to feel part of something. To understand that this process is something that so many others have gone through (or are going through), and that they are not alone in this.

You, are not alone in this...

There is so much empowerment in feeling part of something. In knowing that you are not alone. In receiving advice and counsel from others that have "been there, done that". And, more importantly, in offering your own experiences and helping others. There had to be a way for me to share that.

And so I am happy to announce the Leavers' Exchange Forum a place for you to connect with other leavers, to ask questions and share insight and experiences from your journey. It's a place for leavers, by leavers!

The forum is available here (and in the menu on the right), and I do hope you join and share (you can share anonymously, too). Together we can help make the leaving process a bit more bearable.

See you there!

The "I'm leaving..." talk

Many of you have been asking lately about the actual conversation in which you break the news of your leaving to your dad/mother/family member. I know the thought of this talk turns your stomach, and I hope this post helps calm that by providing some guidelines around dos-and-don'ts.

But before I begin, I want to take a minute to talk about the emotions surrounding this talk. The emotions — which by this time are high (probably on both sides) — make keeping calm and staying cool almost an impossible task. Plus, at these levels, they tend to beat rational thinking. You are dreading the talk because deep down you know that emotions will probably take over, preventing you from thinking straight and getting your message out clearly. You are worried that you will end up sounding like a child... And really, by letting the emotions take control, you are sitting the child in the driver's seat. And that's never a good idea! So how do we sit the adult behind the wheel?

I put together this short list of things to keep in mind to help focus your thoughts, and by that reduce your stress levels:

1. Relieve some of the stress by preparing your message in advance.
   Sure, you've been thinking about this talk from the get-go, but you've been thinking about it with a lot of emotion, which needs to be removed from the equation. Make sure your message is concise and to-the-point. Writing it down beforehand helps, as having it prepared in your head is another way to avoid letting the child take over. (If you feel that the stress or emotion will get the better of you, then by all means, read it from the paper if you think it will help.)
2. Don't use feelings to legitimize your actions.
   Saying things like "I feel like I am being smothered" opens the conversation up to debate as each side will try to explain/retort the feeling/emotion (remember, feelings cannot be rationalized). Instead, keep it simple and straightforward: "Working in the business is not for me anymore. I have decided to leave". With that in mind, you should know that there is really no need to legitimize your actions at all. You have decided to leave — for whatever reasons — and you are letting them know.
3. Don't cast blame.
   Don't say things like "it's your fault — you never appreciated the work I did". This will start an argument in which each side will try to prove (or avoid) the blame, taking the attention away from the real reason you are having this talk in the first place: you're leaving. (Remember: you do not need to legitimize you actions; casting blame is a form of legitimization.)
4. As hard as it is, be sympathetic.
   The family you are leaving, has not prepared for this talk like you have. This could be a punch in the face to them (and could be out of nowhere). Allow them to exhibit their emotions and remember, they are just people overcome with emotions — they don't think rationally. Another reason, why your message should be very clear and lacking feelings or blame.
5. Expect the best, plan for the worst.
   This talk can go anywhere from deep sadness to bitter anger, each leading to different outcomes. Be prepared for a "storm" and understand that there will be plenty of time — once you've all calmed down — to talk more. For now, for this specific talk, your only worry is to convey the message that you are leaving.
   
6. There are no victors or losers.
   This isn't a battle. You do not need to win/beat/defeat your family member. There is no need to be right. You are here to deliver the message that you are leaving and you want to do it in a way that will cause the least damage. Understanding that this is not a fight goes a long way to calm the emotions.

The most important thing though, is that you show up yourself and deliver the message. In the long run, it will have a long-lasting effect on your self-esteem.

Stay focused, stay calm. You're almost there...

Season's Greetings!

It's been a while since my last post, I know... My mind has been elsewhere, thinking about careers and life and planning it all (I'm coming to the conclusion that this is not really possible, but more on this later...)

Anyway, I'm organizing my thoughts and will be back shortly to share.

In the meantime, know that I am always here (as promised) so feel free to drop me a line.

I hope you have a peaceful, joyful and restful holiday season; and that 2013 brings lots of health, happiness and great success to us all. (And that we all continue to follow our hearts' calling!)