"Once the water is deep enough that you must swim to stay afloat, does it really matter how deep the pool is?"
That's Seth's post from the other day. Short and sweet.
If you think about it for a second, you'll find that it speaks to your situation. I just thought you should read it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Points of View
Never start an argument about unmeasurable topics and center it around points of view. It just isn't constructive.
Example:
Point of view (A): I can't stand the traffic! I hate it. What a waste of time!!!
Point of view (B): I love the traffic. It's great—finally some quite time for myself!
Point of view (A): What do you mean you love it? What's there to love?
Point of view (B): I play music, organize my thoughts. It's quality time.
Point of view (A): You're an idiot! That's all I have to say.
Point of view (B): Who you calling "an idiot", stupid?
...
The example above, though inane, serves the point: 2 people, looking at an unquantifiable situation, each from their own point of view.
Let's look at a more realistic situation—working for your dad in the family business:
For you it's hell. Everyday your feel like you are giving up on something, giving up on yourself. You can't take it anymore and just want to leave, taking your chances in the "real" world.
Your dad, on the other hand, doesn't understand the problem: Working in the business is a great opportunity. He thinks you'd be crazy to work somewhere else as the security the family business offers you is immeasurable...
Your point of view is emotional. His is materialistic. They obviously won't jibe.
Arguing about it won't do anyone any good. My suggestion: leap frog over it, agree to disagree and move on.
Example:
Point of view (A): I can't stand the traffic! I hate it. What a waste of time!!!
Point of view (B): I love the traffic. It's great—finally some quite time for myself!
Point of view (A): What do you mean you love it? What's there to love?
Point of view (B): I play music, organize my thoughts. It's quality time.
Point of view (A): You're an idiot! That's all I have to say.
Point of view (B): Who you calling "an idiot", stupid?
...
The example above, though inane, serves the point: 2 people, looking at an unquantifiable situation, each from their own point of view.
Let's look at a more realistic situation—working for your dad in the family business:
For you it's hell. Everyday your feel like you are giving up on something, giving up on yourself. You can't take it anymore and just want to leave, taking your chances in the "real" world.
Your dad, on the other hand, doesn't understand the problem: Working in the business is a great opportunity. He thinks you'd be crazy to work somewhere else as the security the family business offers you is immeasurable...
Your point of view is emotional. His is materialistic. They obviously won't jibe.
Arguing about it won't do anyone any good. My suggestion: leap frog over it, agree to disagree and move on.
Monday, January 16, 2012
How to follow the blog
If you'd like to keep updated with the posts on the blog you can do one of two things (or both):
Enjoy!
- Subscribe to the RSS feed: On the right, under the Subscribe section, click Posts and choose your reader of choice.
- Follow the blog on twitter: @LeavingFamBiz
Enjoy!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Life in the outside lane
This morning on my drive to work, I did something very different: I decided to stay in the outside lane and just flow with the traffic.
Usually, I'd be driving in the inside lane with all the aggressive have-to-be-at-work-ten-minutes-ago drivers. But this morning was different: I sat calmly on the outside lane, just coasting along, taking it easy.
Driving in the inside lane is really a metaphorical "habit" I have. I've always been trying to get ahead, be better, never really happy with where I was. It's a habit I've been fostering since early on in the family business—never content, never satisfied or fulfilled, always searching for a better place for myself.
Lately, though, I've allowed myself to coast along in life's outside lane.
Don't get me wrong: The race is still on, but I am so far ahead—out of the business, settled in life, good job—that I can allow myself to take a break. And the peace of mind it brings is priceless.
Interestingly enough though, the outside lane seems to have gotten me where I was going faster.
Usually, I'd be driving in the inside lane with all the aggressive have-to-be-at-work-ten-minutes-ago drivers. But this morning was different: I sat calmly on the outside lane, just coasting along, taking it easy.
Driving in the inside lane is really a metaphorical "habit" I have. I've always been trying to get ahead, be better, never really happy with where I was. It's a habit I've been fostering since early on in the family business—never content, never satisfied or fulfilled, always searching for a better place for myself.
Lately, though, I've allowed myself to coast along in life's outside lane.
Don't get me wrong: The race is still on, but I am so far ahead—out of the business, settled in life, good job—that I can allow myself to take a break. And the peace of mind it brings is priceless.
Interestingly enough though, the outside lane seems to have gotten me where I was going faster.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Looking out for No. 1
Question: Who is *the* most important person in your life?
I'm guessing you are thinking "my husband/wife" or "my kids", maybe "my mother/father". If you are, then—buzzer sound—sorry, wrong answer.
The most important person in your life is YOU. I'll explain:
In order to be a good parent/spouse/son/daughter you need to be in the right mindset. And by "right mindset" I really mean content/fulfilled/happy. Why? Because if you are dissatisfied, say at work, chances are you will bring that feeling home with you, and you'll end up taking it out on the closest to you. If you are angry or sad or upset, you won't be able to deal with the kids. You won't have the patience to listen to your spouse or give him/her the attention they want/need from you.
There is a reason why the instruction during an airplane emergency is for you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others...
When I left the family business, I was looking out for No. 1, for myself. I knew leaving would be hell. I knew the families would break apart, that we would suffer financially. But more importantly I knew that if I didn't leave, the misery—in the long run—would ruin me. It would ruin who I was, damaging my life and the people I care for most. And I realized that for me to look out for my family, I needed to look out for myself first.
And so I did.
Question remains: Who are you looking out for?
I'm guessing you are thinking "my husband/wife" or "my kids", maybe "my mother/father". If you are, then—buzzer sound—sorry, wrong answer.
The most important person in your life is YOU. I'll explain:
In order to be a good parent/spouse/son/daughter you need to be in the right mindset. And by "right mindset" I really mean content/fulfilled/happy. Why? Because if you are dissatisfied, say at work, chances are you will bring that feeling home with you, and you'll end up taking it out on the closest to you. If you are angry or sad or upset, you won't be able to deal with the kids. You won't have the patience to listen to your spouse or give him/her the attention they want/need from you.
There is a reason why the instruction during an airplane emergency is for you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others...
When I left the family business, I was looking out for No. 1, for myself. I knew leaving would be hell. I knew the families would break apart, that we would suffer financially. But more importantly I knew that if I didn't leave, the misery—in the long run—would ruin me. It would ruin who I was, damaging my life and the people I care for most. And I realized that for me to look out for my family, I needed to look out for myself first.
And so I did.
Question remains: Who are you looking out for?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us."
My New Year's resolutions:
...that's a promise.
Happy New Year!!
- Hal Borland
My New Year's resolutions:
- I will follow my heart, listen to my gut and do what I feel is right.
- I will be open to learning from every person I meet and every interaction I have.
- I will look people in the eye.
- I will put my true loves—my wife and my children—above all else, continuing to shed the malign values instilled by the family business.
- I will believe in myself and in my capabilities, further healing my injured self-image.
- I will be proud.
- I will continue to share whatever knowledge I gain with whoever is willing to listen.
- And lastly, to you—the reader, the leaver—I will continue to offer my support whenever needed...
...that's a promise.
Happy New Year!!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Curriculum Vitae
Yes, your CV is "problematic". It took me nearly 2 months to get to a version I was happy with.
It started with 3 pages, somehow I got it down to 2, and eventually managed to pack my 13 years and 5 (main) positions neatly into 1 page. It was tough. And lingering, as always, was the sense that these positions and experience weren't really "real". I didn't really earn these like anybody else would. I mean, I was probably promoted because I was the son-of-the-boss not because of anything else, right? (Wrong! And you should really get rid of that feeling.)
I bet that you worked extra hard *because* you were the son of the boss. I'm guessing that—like me—you too walked around with the feeling that you had to prove yourself a little more, work a little harder, run the extra mile because of your lineage.
I am also guessing that when no one is looking you will admit that you are good (if not great) at what you do. Bear this in mind when you set out to write the CV.
Now, a few pointers:
-- This one's for K. Good luck, my friend!
It started with 3 pages, somehow I got it down to 2, and eventually managed to pack my 13 years and 5 (main) positions neatly into 1 page. It was tough. And lingering, as always, was the sense that these positions and experience weren't really "real". I didn't really earn these like anybody else would. I mean, I was probably promoted because I was the son-of-the-boss not because of anything else, right? (Wrong! And you should really get rid of that feeling.)
I bet that you worked extra hard *because* you were the son of the boss. I'm guessing that—like me—you too walked around with the feeling that you had to prove yourself a little more, work a little harder, run the extra mile because of your lineage.
I am also guessing that when no one is looking you will admit that you are good (if not great) at what you do. Bear this in mind when you set out to write the CV.
Now, a few pointers:
- Decide what is the job/profession you want to pursue.
- Read bullet 1 again. It is very important that you decide because it is the only tool you have to distill your overloaded CV. If you were the company software developer and the company accountant, decide if your future is in software or in bookkeeping, then tone the other down. If software is where your heart lies, then be only the company software developer (you can mention your bookkeeping skills in the interview if it comes up).
- Even if you spent 13 years in the same place, no one needs to know that it was in a family business. Leave this for the interview (it will come up anyway). Think of yourself as a regular employee and describe your positions/promotions from that perspective.
- Don't put it all out there. Leave some meat for the interview.
- Don't feel that you need to excuse the fact that you worked in a family business. On the contrary! Be very proud of your time there. It probably gave you a wider perspective on business in general, and allowed you to experience the intricacies of running a company. And most importantly it shows that you have character, loyalty and ability to do hard meaningful work burned into your DNA.
-- This one's for K. Good luck, my friend!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Brothers and sisters
Working in a family business doesn't only mean that you are working for your dad. It also means that you work with your siblings.
In my case it was my younger brother, and to make things even more interesting: I was his direct manager.
This created some pretty difficult situations (as you can imagine). On one occasion, he bad-mouthed me to another team member, telling him that I was a not good (I'll spare you the language) manager. I had to hear about this later from the team member. Another time, during a weekly department meeting he started yelling at me—in front of the team—for assigning him a certain task...
It was just another layer of unneeded complexity, and the "cherry-on-top": my dad would side with my brother laying into me for mismanaging him.
It's a shame because eventually it takes a toll on your relationship with your brother(s) outside the business. There's no avoiding it.
A real shame.
In my case it was my younger brother, and to make things even more interesting: I was his direct manager.
This created some pretty difficult situations (as you can imagine). On one occasion, he bad-mouthed me to another team member, telling him that I was a not good (I'll spare you the language) manager. I had to hear about this later from the team member. Another time, during a weekly department meeting he started yelling at me—in front of the team—for assigning him a certain task...
It was just another layer of unneeded complexity, and the "cherry-on-top": my dad would side with my brother laying into me for mismanaging him.
It's a shame because eventually it takes a toll on your relationship with your brother(s) outside the business. There's no avoiding it.
A real shame.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Season's Greetings
Monday, December 5, 2011
Second thoughts
Having second thoughts is a natural part of the process. I had plenty them.
I remember sitting in the car one day thinking to myself: "Why do this? look at the pain this is causing everyone... And what about the uncertainty: What are you planning to do outside the business? Do you really want to start all over, possibly starting from a lower position? And what about the money issues? So much uncertainty, we should really just give up. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, right?! Let's turn this ship around and head back."
But back to what? Is the "devil you know" really that better?
The answer is no. And the truth is that there is no devil "outside". It's all a trick your lizard brain is playing on you, working overtime to get you back to the known, to conform to the norm. It craves comfort, loathes change.
The trick is to look out for this. Spot it when it happens. Understand where it comes from and accept that it's part of the process, then let it go and continue with the original plan.
I remember sitting in the car one day thinking to myself: "Why do this? look at the pain this is causing everyone... And what about the uncertainty: What are you planning to do outside the business? Do you really want to start all over, possibly starting from a lower position? And what about the money issues? So much uncertainty, we should really just give up. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, right?! Let's turn this ship around and head back."
But back to what? Is the "devil you know" really that better?
The answer is no. And the truth is that there is no devil "outside". It's all a trick your lizard brain is playing on you, working overtime to get you back to the known, to conform to the norm. It craves comfort, loathes change.
The trick is to look out for this. Spot it when it happens. Understand where it comes from and accept that it's part of the process, then let it go and continue with the original plan.
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