How good are you?

When you think about this question, is the first thought one of comparison? Do you compare yourself to someone else? Do you measure yourself based on someone else's success or failure (as perceived by you)? Maybe you don't really know... Maybe the stories you choose to tell yourself when you try to measure your worth are biased tales of inferiority and failure.

If you are not being successful at measuring yourself, here's a little tip that can help: Firstly, stop doing the "measuring" all by yourself—if you are digging the pit of inferiority and failure, it's hard to see the light. Instead, let others do the measuring for you. The only thing you need to do is be attentive to the little queues they leave. Here are examples:

• People asking for your advice/opinion
• People asking for your company at lunch
• People who notice you are away
• Your colleagues complimenting you on a job well done

If you stop ignoring the little things, which tend to happen every single day, you will see that you actually mean something to someone(s). That you are liked and respected and meaningful. And the more you notice these signals, the easier it will become to answer the question!

So, how good are you?

Micro tears

Do you know how muscles are built? When we exercise and strain a muscle, we create little micro tears in its tissue. The more we exercise it and the more resistance and strain we add, the more tears we rip through it. The damage triggers the body into action and it quickly works to mend the torn tissue. In doing so it builds a stronger, bigger muscle—one that is ready to take on even more weight.

I've realized recently, that life is the same way. As we take on new challenges and explore new directions, we exercise our "muscle". We stretch it into making sense of the new, unknown experience, straining it to figure things out. These are our micro tears; some are more significant than others—leaving the business, for one—others less so. But all, in some way, rip our tissue and we must mend it. Unlike the body though, that "automatically" repairs the muscle, we need to choose to mend it. And the only way to do this is to choose to learn from the experience. Learning makes us stronger and more resilient, better prepared for our next challenge.

Looking back over the (nearly) 6 years since I've left the family business, I've recognized that as hard as it was to leave, and the incredible turmoil it had created in my life, the stronger I have become. Learning is about finding the silver lining and leveraging it to become better—as hard as it may be.

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I know I haven't posted here for a very long time. I think it was the fact that I had moved past the actual leaving "event" that I was emptied of content. Recently though a friend and fellow leaver, poked me to start sharing again, and that sparked the flame...

So, I'm back!

I don't know where the blog will go from here, but I think sharing my experiences with my family post-leaving can serve this community well, so that's where I'll start. Stay tuned.

Phantom pains

There's this phenomenon that occurs to people who have lost a limb; long after the limb is gone it will generate pangs of pain. The pain is generated in the mind, but is felt physically in the missing limb. This is called phantom pains.

I thought about this after a fellow leaver emailed me writing about unresolved anger towards his dad and the family business. He had left a year or so earlier, but was still trying to find his way in life. From his perspective he was failing and that feeling was creating pain.

I'm guessing you've experienced this at one time or another, being thrown back to painful emotions you thought you had left behind...

For me it is usually brought on by belittlement—it awakens the pain felt by a criticizing dad/boss. But it's a phantom pain; the lacking self-worth I had grown up with is gone, I've defeated that dragon. Yet, the memory of it exists in the mind and every now and then is felt in the "limb".

Recognizing this is the first step in overcoming it. Once you do, the anger will subside, clarity will return and you will regain control. It's not an easy process, but you stand to learn so much about yourself if you choose to try.

It's been a while

A long while... A comment left a few days ago pulled me back suddenly into the blog. Truth is, I haven't checked-in for a while, and was thinking that with the lack of activity on my behalf so would interest decline. I was wrong. I am humbled by the many readers/leavers that still visit the site.

So firstly, thank you anonymous for the comment and for pulling me back in. Secondly, I am still here regardless of my posting activity so you are more than welcome to email me directly if you are looking for advice (theleaver@leavingthefamilybusiness.com).

So what have I been up to in the past year? And is leaving still the best decision I have ever made?

Since leaving I have been (re-)building my career within "corporate America". It's not been easy, and the past year was a real test of endurance. Corporate America (if you've never experienced it) is plagued by bureaucracy, politics, "c-players" and (low) glass ceilings. For a person with family business "DNA", this provides for a challenging environment. We are used to taking full ownership and getting things done; we are not used to clocking-in and doing a job. Which is were endurance kicks in: sticking things out and never calling it quits has become a trait of mine (Nixon has a great quote on quitting). And for me, recently, it has finally paid off.

As for leaving the family business and whether it is still the best decision I have ever made? Absolutely and without any doubt! It has freed me beyond my wildest dreams.

Infinite Distances

I happened across this quote the other day and it resonated deeply:

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke

So much is said in that one sentence; it sums the essence of human interaction so beautifully... We are all different; different in how we think, how we process, how we feel, want and need. If you realize this about the closest of people to you—be it parents, brothers, your spouse, children or close friends—you will find yourself a lot more accepting of the differences that set/keep you apart. You'll be able to see that, at the end of the day, we are each trying to do the best we can (in life), in the best way each of us knows/thinks/feels/understands how.

That's when you will be able to see us whole against the sky.

Season's Greetings

Another year has gone by. A year of ups and downs, of lessons learnt, and experiences gained. In hindsight, it's been a good one.

I hope you enjoy this time with the people who matter most to you, and that 2014 brings you all that you wish for. But mostly I hope you find the confidence to follow your path, and enjoy the sense of accomplishment and success in doing so.

Yours truly,

The Leaver

From simmer to boil

Seems like year-end causes plans to go from simmer to boil: You sit around simmering all year in the family business, thinking about leaving, when suddenly the year is over—or really one is beginning—and you start to boil, going into a must-leave-the-business-now mode.

I once read a study that talked about prison escapes. Do you know when prisoners are most prone to try and escape? You'd think sometime at the beginning of their term: with the prospect of spending years in prison, they would try and make a run for it, right? Wrong! Most escapes are attempted at the end of their terms! The psychology behind this is: they just can't take it anymore; they can smell the freedom, it's so close, and they just can't bear another day in jail. So they make a run for it (and in most cases fail).

Nope... boil is not the way to go!

Here's the thing: when a pot of water starts boiling, two things can happen: one, the bubbling water can overflow and put out the flame; and/or two, the water eventually evaporates, leaving you with an empty (burnt) pot.

In other words, don't make a run for it! That is something that the child does, not the responsible adult. Instead, plan it out carefully: figure out what you are going to do, what you want to become, what job is best for you. Start working on your CV and your LinkedIn profile. These steps will make the thought of leaving tangible—something that is actually doable and achievable— and it will build your confidence in the process of leaving. And then, and only then, you make your exit.

(By the way, simmer isn't a good option either. It too will eventually leave you with an empty, burnt pot... Better off making a decision either way.)

Happy (3rd) Leaving Day!

It's been three years. Three amazing years of ups and downs, highs and lows... So I find it only fitting to check-in (sorry for not posting recently) and give you some insight from a 3-year perspective.

Let me first give you the short answer to the question I can only imagine you are asking: Yes, it was worth it; and yes, I would do it all over again!

I really enjoy reminiscing over the past 3 years. It allows me to compare the person I am today with the person I was 3 years ago (and before), and bask in the warmth of my (little) personal victory. Taking the "path less traveled" was, perhaps, one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It opened up so many opportunities and afforded so many possibilities. But most importantly, it offered me a way to look at the world — and the challenges we are faced with — differently. It used to be that when anything "bad" happened I would default into "victim-mode", self-pitying myself over an unfair outcome. Today though, I constantly look for the other perspective, which is mostly the silver lining. I've reached the conclusion that that's the only way to overcome, with the added bonus of bettering ourselves in the process...

But philosophy aside, here are some of the more important lessons I've learnt in these past 3 years:

• Accept your past (or: start believing in yourself and your abilities).
  This must be the toughest hurdle to overcome. I don't know how long you've been in your family business but chances are your self-esteem has been trampled. Recovering is no easy task, but it is doable. It starts with accepting the past for what it was – a lesson. Acceptance allows you to start fresh, to break away from the past and the person you once were and start anew. The other option is to live in it, casting blame on anything and everything from the family business to your parents and the lack of support. This option — and I am sure you will agree with me — is completely counter-productive. Opt for acceptance and move on. Once you do, once there is no blame or self-pity, you'll be able to focus on yourself and your abilities, slowly healing and building your self-worth.
  
  
• Decide what you want to do as soon as possible, then focus on achieving that goal.
  In other words, don't waste time. This is a relatively new lesson for me, too. If you find yourself saying: "I'll try this out for a while and see how it goes...", stop and answer this question: How does this help me achieve my life goals? (whatever those goals are, tangible or intangible.) You need to focus your energy and efforts, and the decision to do something (move across the country, become a better parent, open your own business, accept that job offer, whatever) has to be made consciously and not "by-the-way"-ish. I'm not saying that you can't make mistakes. On the contrary – make mistakes! But make them having weighed the options and making the best choice possible. Don't waste your time.
  
  
• Time does heal all wounds.
  My dad and I are now back in touch. We are warming back up to each other after a long period of silence. When we first got back together, it was hell for me. Here was the person who practically disowned me (and my family) for wanting to chase my dreams; and here I was in his house celebrating his birthday. What a trip that was... But time has this magical trait to it: it dulls the edges. The memories are still there, but the pain and anger associated with them have faded. It makes having a relationship – all things considered – possible... I guess what I am saying is: don't let the family relationship weigh down on you too much. Yes, it takes a toll; but you'll work things out down the road.
  
  
• Stay positive!
  This is, perhaps, the most important lesson I can share with you (and I am going to become "new agey" now). Everything happens for a reason. We are tested and challenged in life all the time. This happens because there is a lesson to be learnt about ourselves and our abilities, about people and their nature, about how things work. If you accept that the lesson is the reward (and sometimes you'll have to look real hard for the lesson, like when your new iPhone goes for a swim) you'll become a more positive thinker. And when you become a more positive thinker, you'll become more open to the opportunities around you. And when that happens... there is no limit to what you can do!
  
  

Happy leaving day!

One of those (dippy) weeks...

You know those weeks where you just dip?

They come by every so often, emptying your energy and draining you mentally. It'll start with a challenge, say a large sum of money that you suddenly need to spend on fixing the house (and you need to figure out where to get the money from), continue with another so called "challenge", then another, till every little thing causes a melt down... The burnt-out lightbulb? Aaaaaargh!

-Static-
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now reaching coping capacity, please fold the tray tables in front of you, return your seats to their upright position, and make sure your seat belts are tightly fastened. It's going to be a bumpy ride..."

When you arrive at coping capacity, the world — and your perception — are completely warped and out of whack. It's not the captain speaking anymore... Instead you'll hear the voices of judgment and anger swirling in your head. Judgement for how you performed (or really, how you mis-performed and got us here in the first place); and raging retaliation against said judgement.

The best thing to do when the (metaphoric) captain disappears, is turn on auto-pilot. Auto-pilot forces you to continue flying forward, to your destination. Turbulence does not affect auto-pilot, it doesn't spend time revisiting the past, considering different options or making major decisions. Its sole purpose is to keep the plane up in the air and on course. And most importantly, it allows the captain to get some much needed shut-eye.

If you are having a dippy week, take a step back to regain perspective. Ask yourself fundamental questions about each separate challenge you are faced with, and work your way through them using lots of reason. The first thing you will find is that a lot of the challenges can be postponed to a later date, and that not all of them have a complete-by-yesterday date.

Disconnecting from the situation, allows you (the captain) to regain balance, perspective and eventually control, avoiding more unneeded turbulence.

My choice; your choice [Guest Post]

Lauren, a fellow leaver, left her family business to become a life coach. She graciously accepted my request to guest post and share her story below.

From the moment I (virtually) met Lauren, it was clear to me that she was a "people person" and that her calling in life had to do with supporting people. It just seemed right for her. And I'm glad to see her forging her path. Good luck, Lauren!!.

You can learn more about Lauren on her website here.
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When I stumbled upon this blog on October 5, 2012, I was — literally — at my wits end! I was at my desk, shaking in distraught and feeling out of control. I was miserable, trapped in my family's business and there was nothing I could do about it. How could I leave? They'd never understand. I surrendered... This was to be my life. Suck it up, this is it. Deal with it!

But in my heart, deep in my core, I just knew I was meant to do something else. Meant to be something more. With no place to go, I went online and typed in my search:"Leaving the Family Business", and there it was... like a beacon of light LeavingTheFamilyBusiness.com... Wait, what??? No, it can't be!! But then I clicked the click that would change everything.

After devouring 25 posts like a starving carnivore, I typed a lengthy (very cathartic) email to The Leaver. It strikes me as I reread that email how thick and heavy the sadness was. Yet I can still feel the relief of not being alone in my plight and how equally airy and light it was. Realizing all my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants, dreams, were VALID! I wasn't being selfish or having a mid life crisis. Others in my situation felt this way, too! And, most importantly —— they left and survived!

A little backstory: For 18 years, I worked with my mother and her husband in his family's business. I can honestly say, I loved working with my mom but I always wondered what else was out there in the world for me to do. I thought many times over those 18 years about leaving, but since it was only her and I in the office, I felt like I could never leave her. In October, 2011, my step father hired another person to come in to the office, saying that it was so my mother could semi-retire, but that never happened. What I began to see, or feel, was that maybe, she was actually there so I could go...

I had tried to give my notice to leave in May, 2012, but my mother was against it. She couldn't imagine me not being there. So I stayed. On Halloween, less than a month after finding this blog, I had a breakdown. In front of my mother, I sobbed and cried and told her that I could no longer do it. That I was sorry to disappoint her, but that I couldn't take it any more. She finally let herself see the truth she had not allowed herself to see. She let me go. January 31, 2013, would be my last day. We had agreed to part and we began preparing my departure from the business.

What a surreal feeling that first week of February was... to be unattached... I had no responsibility to the family business! My life wasn't consumed with despair — I was filled with anticipation and hope! I felt I had regained control! But what I hadn't realized then was that I always had the control, I just chose to not engage it. Which brings me to where I am today...

Many had asked me, "So, what do you want to do?" But I had no answer. I hadn't figured that part out, yet. I just knew it was something bigger than what I was currently doing. I knew I wanted to help people; to make a difference in their lives... And so it happened — as these things tend to happen — that I met a childhood friend I had not seen for over 25 years (the universe is amazing, isn't it?!). And it was this very friend who asked me, quite simply: "why not be a life coach?" And that was that.

To me, life coaching is what I was put on this earth to practice. It's about helping people realize what it took me years to understand: we all have a choice! As ominous as it may seem, we do. I chose to stay in the family business for all those years. I chose not to explore options. And as much as I felt it was out of my control, at the end of the day, it was my choice to give control up.

Wherever you are on your journey, thinking about leaving, in the process of leaving, or already gone, please always remember these simple truths: It is YOUR life, and it's short, precious and unpredictable. You never know what the next day, hour or minute will bring. And you should choose to honor yourself by living your life in the best possible way. Everything else will just fall into place.

Enjoy today & be happy!