One of those (dippy) weeks...

You know those weeks where you just dip?

They come by every so often, emptying your energy and draining you mentally. It'll start with a challenge, say a large sum of money that you suddenly need to spend on fixing the house (and you need to figure out where to get the money from), continue with another so called "challenge", then another, till every little thing causes a melt down... The burnt-out lightbulb? Aaaaaargh!

-Static-
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now reaching coping capacity, please fold the tray tables in front of you, return your seats to their upright position, and make sure your seat belts are tightly fastened. It's going to be a bumpy ride..."

When you arrive at coping capacity, the world — and your perception — are completely warped and out of whack. It's not the captain speaking anymore... Instead you'll hear the voices of judgment and anger swirling in your head. Judgement for how you performed (or really, how you mis-performed and got us here in the first place); and raging retaliation against said judgement.

The best thing to do when the (metaphoric) captain disappears, is turn on auto-pilot. Auto-pilot forces you to continue flying forward, to your destination. Turbulence does not affect auto-pilot, it doesn't spend time revisiting the past, considering different options or making major decisions. Its sole purpose is to keep the plane up in the air and on course. And most importantly, it allows the captain to get some much needed shut-eye.

If you are having a dippy week, take a step back to regain perspective. Ask yourself fundamental questions about each separate challenge you are faced with, and work your way through them using lots of reason. The first thing you will find is that a lot of the challenges can be postponed to a later date, and that not all of them have a complete-by-yesterday date.

Disconnecting from the situation, allows you (the captain) to regain balance, perspective and eventually control, avoiding more unneeded turbulence.

My choice; your choice [Guest Post]

Lauren, a fellow leaver, left her family business to become a life coach. She graciously accepted my request to guest post and share her story below.

From the moment I (virtually) met Lauren, it was clear to me that she was a "people person" and that her calling in life had to do with supporting people. It just seemed right for her. And I'm glad to see her forging her path. Good luck, Lauren!!.

You can learn more about Lauren on her website here.
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When I stumbled upon this blog on October 5, 2012, I was — literally — at my wits end! I was at my desk, shaking in distraught and feeling out of control. I was miserable, trapped in my family's business and there was nothing I could do about it. How could I leave? They'd never understand. I surrendered... This was to be my life. Suck it up, this is it. Deal with it!

But in my heart, deep in my core, I just knew I was meant to do something else. Meant to be something more. With no place to go, I went online and typed in my search:"Leaving the Family Business", and there it was... like a beacon of light LeavingTheFamilyBusiness.com... Wait, what??? No, it can't be!! But then I clicked the click that would change everything.

After devouring 25 posts like a starving carnivore, I typed a lengthy (very cathartic) email to The Leaver. It strikes me as I reread that email how thick and heavy the sadness was. Yet I can still feel the relief of not being alone in my plight and how equally airy and light it was. Realizing all my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants, dreams, were VALID! I wasn't being selfish or having a mid life crisis. Others in my situation felt this way, too! And, most importantly —— they left and survived!

A little backstory: For 18 years, I worked with my mother and her husband in his family's business. I can honestly say, I loved working with my mom but I always wondered what else was out there in the world for me to do. I thought many times over those 18 years about leaving, but since it was only her and I in the office, I felt like I could never leave her. In October, 2011, my step father hired another person to come in to the office, saying that it was so my mother could semi-retire, but that never happened. What I began to see, or feel, was that maybe, she was actually there so I could go...

I had tried to give my notice to leave in May, 2012, but my mother was against it. She couldn't imagine me not being there. So I stayed. On Halloween, less than a month after finding this blog, I had a breakdown. In front of my mother, I sobbed and cried and told her that I could no longer do it. That I was sorry to disappoint her, but that I couldn't take it any more. She finally let herself see the truth she had not allowed herself to see. She let me go. January 31, 2013, would be my last day. We had agreed to part and we began preparing my departure from the business.

What a surreal feeling that first week of February was... to be unattached... I had no responsibility to the family business! My life wasn't consumed with despair — I was filled with anticipation and hope! I felt I had regained control! But what I hadn't realized then was that I always had the control, I just chose to not engage it. Which brings me to where I am today...

Many had asked me, "So, what do you want to do?" But I had no answer. I hadn't figured that part out, yet. I just knew it was something bigger than what I was currently doing. I knew I wanted to help people; to make a difference in their lives... And so it happened — as these things tend to happen — that I met a childhood friend I had not seen for over 25 years (the universe is amazing, isn't it?!). And it was this very friend who asked me, quite simply: "why not be a life coach?" And that was that.

To me, life coaching is what I was put on this earth to practice. It's about helping people realize what it took me years to understand: we all have a choice! As ominous as it may seem, we do. I chose to stay in the family business for all those years. I chose not to explore options. And as much as I felt it was out of my control, at the end of the day, it was my choice to give control up.

Wherever you are on your journey, thinking about leaving, in the process of leaving, or already gone, please always remember these simple truths: It is YOUR life, and it's short, precious and unpredictable. You never know what the next day, hour or minute will bring. And you should choose to honor yourself by living your life in the best possible way. Everything else will just fall into place.

Enjoy today & be happy!

Sorry for the long silence

I've been preoccupied with, well, life and work and career building...

Promise to be back shortly with more life philosophies and leaving advice. In the meantime, I am here if you need me.

This is Water

I only just saw this now...

It's an abridged version of a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace to the graduating class of 2005 of Kenyon College. You should watch it.





The full comencement speech can be listened to here.

Tall trees

Here's one piece of advice that you should keep in mind, regardless of your decision to leave or stay: be more communicative.

If you decide to stay, communicate your issues. Not with anger or bitterness or retribution, but with understanding and a true desire to make things better. Your family members are just human, 9 times out of 10 they are not doing it to ruin your life. It's the way they see things. Communicate to them without judgement. Share your perspective with them. Be candid and vulnerable. Try and reach understandings that will allow you to stay. If you don't, it won't work...

If you decide to leave, you will need to communicate this too. Again, not with anger or vengeance but with sincerity. Explain your motives for leaving without expecting understanding (or compassion). Don't get upset if you hit a brick wall, just remember you are leaving, there's no need to raise your voice now...

So many things can go wrong because of miscommunication. It creates mountains from molehills; it pushes people so far up trees that, sometimes, finding the way back down becomes impossible.

My advice to you is: be communicative. It'll be the only thing that'll help you stay away from tall trees...

Underestimating yourself

Is a tactic used by the Resistance. Underestimating yourself is part of the Resistance's grand plan to keep you put. To keep you from doing what you know you can do.

The term "lean into it" is pretty popular now. Adopt it. If you are thinking you can't do something because of fear of failure or simple performance anxiety, just lean into it. Lean into it and the weight will take you forward.

How? Start small.

Start by writing your plan/idea/goal down. Make it physically real. Then talk to your friends about it, tell them how you plan on making it happen. Next thing you know, you'll be doing that thing you feared... Start small and the big things will happen.

But first, you got to lean into it!

Expensive lessons...

are the best lessons.

The ones that cost you sleepless nights, physical pain, money... Those are the lessons that will actually teach you something. They may not teach you the right way, but they will definitely point out the wrong way.

So, while you lick your wounds, always remember to learn!

Getting past the resistance

Why is it that we choose to continue living the routine? Why do we choose to accept the "golden handcuffs" that keep us in the quotidian grind?

The answer is simple: the Resistance. The Resistance is the voice in your head that always has an excuse, a tale, of why not to do something. The Resistance loves routine; hates change. And so it works extra hard to keep you put, even at the expense of following your heart and dreams. But the thing with the Resistance is that it's like a child—providing lame answers (or excuses) to big question. And that, if you think about it, is its weakness.

It's a weakness because it allows you to catch it in the dog-ate-my-homework act. Because when you listen to what the Resistance has to say, you'll realize just how unfounded it's reasoning is: "You're not good enough"; "You won't be as respected as you are here"; "Do you really want the extra work?"... All lame, miserable excuses. If you identify this "type" of voice, you'll be able to ignore it, and in turn focus on the voice that is pushing you forward, and the real work that's at hand.

Now, ignoring the Resistance is not that easy—I know! So here's a tip to help with that: treat the Resistance as a devil's advocate. Think of it not as a roadblock, but as a warning sign: it is trying to get your attention to the dangers that lie ahead, trying to prepare you for what's coming next. So when it raises its "concerns" about not being good enough or respected enough or over worked, thank it for its concern, explain to it why it is wrong and then dismiss it.

The Resistance will come back and try again, but if you keep focused you'll beat it at its own game.

Pavlovian conditioning

Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs? If not, you can read about it here. But in a nutshell: In an experiment involving dogs, Pavlov associated a bell ring to food being served. Each time the dogs received their food, Pavlov would ring a bell. Eventually the bell ring itself—without food being served—would cause the dogs to react as if they were being served food. The dogs had become conditioned to the bell ring. This is known as a Pavlovian conditioning or Pavlovian reaction.

The thing is, like it or not, we all "suffer" from this sort of conditioning. We all have a (metaphoric) bell that causes us to react in a certain way, regardless of whether (metaphoric) food is being served. For example: Think about where your mind goes when someone criticizes your work. Does it feel like your dad (or boss family member) belittling you all over again? The sound of that "bell" — regardless of the fact that you are out of the business already, and the criticism is meant in a good way (ie no real food being served) — will cause a certain reaction with you and trigger certain emotions.

As with all conditions, they can be reconditioned. And it's up to you to do so. The first step is to identify those Pavlovian reactions. Identify the bells that cause the reactions of old. Then react differently, in a way that is thoughtful and calm. Do it enough times, and you'll be all set.

(Thanks to my amazing wife for helping me spot the bells...)

Goal setting

One of the most powerful ways I know of making things happen, is to start by writing them down. It's that simple. Thinking, imagining or musing over your goals is good, but writing them down is the first step at making them happen.

There is something very powerful about doing that, about committing that way. Once they are on paper, your conscious relates to them differently and suddenly things will start coming together to make them happen.

Give it a try. You'll see what I mean.